December 27, 1971

[DELETED SESSION]

[DECEMBER 27, 1971]

(This is the regularly-scheduled session for December 27, 1971. It is deleted from the record.)

(The session began at 9:13 PM. At 9:11, as Jane and I sat talking and waiting, I wrote the following lines in Sumari:)

[E pato um topagon ne mu noni ra tum de.]

[Or efuge rambo arghde re mu non de gor se to.]

[Ne ra mena do te dore gee portog po.]

(I showed them to Jane after the session and asked her to translate them, as she has done with the Christmas card I made for her, but she hasn't had time to do so as I begin typing this the next evening. The translation will be added to the end of the session, resumably.)

Now, good evening.

(Good evening, Seth.)

I arrived somewhat earlier, as you have heard.

("Yes." At suppertime, Seth spoke to Jane rather harshly as she worked in the kitchen. His data concerned her symptoms, and evidently continued material we had been discussing ourselves the last day or two on our own. I asked that tonight's session deal only with personal material, so we were fairly well prepared. Jane shed a few tears when she came to the studio to tell me that she had heard from Seth late this afternoon. She also remarked that she wished she hadn't heard from him. However, I considered the insights she gained to be very valuable indeed.)

Now: Ruburt may sometimes object to the terms used to describe his work.

On a surface level the seeming shift from writer to psychic annoyed and bothered him, but it was always the same work, and he knew it. And he was always driven to do whatever must be done in order to roduce it.

In terms of this life, the justification of existence entered in, as I told you; the tale that he told himself in other words to see that he did his work.

He is magnificently intent, persistent and determined. When the situation allowed him to do so, he immediately began to pare down all activities not directly connected with his work, to shake them off, to force himself to be disciplined, to cut distractions to a minimum and thus avoid conflict, to his way of thinking.

He did this quite wholeheartedly, and with a vengeance. He would not have an ordinary job. He would force himself into a position where he must indeed make good through his work, financially and otherwise. He tried to emulate what he thought your actions would be in the same circumstances at the time this began.

You had the discipline by nature, he thought. He did not: therefore the enforced solitude, the narrowing of other interests until his vitality was forced in one direction, the inner direction. He gave stimulus to his mind with coffee and cigarettes, whipping it to make it go faster and faster.

At the same time he gave less and less nourishment to the body, denied it exercise until it began to wither from disuse. He goes inward then with great applied focus, but held the body in such tight reins that he denied it both energy and attention.

Now you, particularly earlier, acquiesced in this. Neither of you saw anything wrong with the basic ideas behind it. You would have only quarreled with the results. I outlined your joint ideas about food. In the same way your joint ideas about your work and the world in general were taken and put into literal action by our friend.

You had a history of bodily achievement in terms of sports, that led you to take an additional joy in the body that tempered the basic concepts you held. Ruburt did not.

The tendencies to so withdraw and deny the body were early obvious, but unrecognized. In college only the body's miraculous youth protected it when Ruburt did not eat properly, subsisted mainly on coffee and cigarettes, and went without proper sleep for months at a time.

He often hid from fellow students out of shyness and fear of confronting them. He would hide in his poetry. The tendency then was there. He had no great faith in the body because he saw how his mother's behaved, without any knowledge of the reasons. The body was not strong, therefore. He did not trust it. He trusted his mind, so the idea of retreating from the body into the mind was quite logical to him when this began. (The sessions or the symptoms?)

For reasons given much earlier, you both worried about the body mechanism in terms of childbirth, and it suited both of your purposes to minimize the possibilities in that direction, and to save yourselves from the monthly fear that a birth might have resulted.

Ruburt put his body on a strict survival level, giving it the barest of attention. He is in the habit of ignoring its feelings, attitudes or desires, so that he is quite numb to some of them.

("Well, I hear him do enough complaining about it." Meaning the symptoms.)

Numb to the body's desires for exercise, motion, air. Do you follow me?

(Yes.)

Again however understand that both of your attitudes worked here, though he exaggerated some indeed. You both considered the world in many respects as distracting, stupid, its people beneath your notice, and your work the only thing of importance. Given the opportunity (when I obtained steady employment) and as soon as he was able, Ruburt then retreated from it, and gave himself the excuse for doing so---your attitudes made flesh.

Before, necessity would not allow it. He leaped over that barrier, and when you thought you had given him the opportunity to be free, he was not about to misuse it. He would force himself to devote all his energies in that direction, to silence for example any stray temptations to go out into the yard in working time, to visit friends.

He would see to it that he could not give in to such temptations.

Now the body quickly made its protests known, and Ruburt squelched them whenever possible. The body was not important except as it supported his ideas. His will would drive it.

A good number of his depressions were body depressions. The body was de-pressed, pressed down, and this of course affected the psychic state.

He hides his body in his dress. His face is in good condition because he considers that the mirror of his soul, and allows it therefore free-enough expression. He trusts his head.

(How about the teeth?)

He has been satisfied with the bargain. He felt it was necessary (underlined) to inhibit physical expression in order to concentrate all of his energies inward into his work. He felt it was necessary to inhibit physical mobility in order to facilitate deeper penetration into inner reality.

He was trying to sublimate the energy, to take it away from the physical so that it could be used more productively, to his way of thinking. Now, this is not necessary. He was afraid of frittering away his energy. This was his idea of conserving it.

Do you want a break?

("Yes.")

(9:45. The pace had been good. My hand was tired. I was absolutely appalled by the material. It was an extension of insights we had been discussing lately, but to see it all neatly arrayed together was devastating. I sat in silence for several minutes because I didn't know what to do; I seemed to be neutralized by the conflicting feelings washing over me. Nor did Jane say anything.)

(We have been recently planning that I am to leave my job at Artistic at the end of January, and take at least a year to paint, etc., after a month's trip to Florida in February. This after we have finished with Seth's book early in January. In a strange way I now felt that I had the freedom to do anything I wanted to, whereas before I had been worrying considerably about the financial effects of my leaving the job. Suddenly I viewed it in other ways.)

(I asked Jane why she was allowing this material to come through now, but she didn't know. I had been getting very angry lately however so I felt this was a prime reason. I was terribly depressed, at least briefly. I grimly promised Jane that there were going to be changes; and this was to not at all minimize my own role in this problem---it was merely my stated vehement desire that this madness come to an end, that I was ready for a change, and demanded one.)

(The strange thing in this is that this session contains) [ new ] [material, after all of the private ones we've had. And it deals with causes in a way that makes sense out of all that has gone by; especially does it explain our repeated failures to break out of the vicious circle that has imprisoned us for the last five years.]

[(10:05.) Now. You both said from your earliest days together that you wanted to put all of your energy into your work. That was Ruburt's objective.

He did not of course understand what the complete results would be. He felt that the physical could be safely dispensed with, and did so by degrees. Whenever physical mobility is demanded as an auxiliary to his work, then he produced physically---on your tour, at the high school engagement, and so forth.

(Seth might have added that these occasions were still subpar hysically however, to others who were not impaired. Not to mention the emotional turmoil and worry about whether the affair could be carried through.)

He thought that he would have your approval, that you also would do anything necessary in order to put all of your energies into your work.

He thought he was showing you he was (underlined)

determined to take advantage of the opportunity you gave him.

In the past you often railed against Saturday chores while he was quite happily enjoying them. To show you that he could be like you he adopted your attitude, hid any enjoyment he used to feel from them, and took steps to cut these out of his life as far as possible; as he felt you would do had you the chance.

(Never in my wildest fancies would I ever consider adopting physical ailments in order to avoid doing such a thing as chores.)

You would have fallen into many problems yourself with the attitudes you had if the opportunity had come to you first. Do you follow me?

("Yes." But I still wouldn't adopt physical ailment, etc.)

You have also learned then through seeing your attitudes put into flesh.

These were joint attitudes, now. I do not mean that Ruburt put your attitudes alone into flesh. He has a one-track mind in that regard, however.

When your communication system did fall down, the situation was at its worst for him. At an unconscious level he felt he was doing what was right, that you should approve of it, that despite the inconvenience and the physical soreness he was sticking to his guns.

As this began to take more and more of your time however, he became concerned, for he did not intend to have his work at the price of your difficulty with him. He felt guilty enough that you had to work outside.

He could justify some small inconveniences on your part, but not your continued unease and worried concern.

Whenever he had a work problem he hastily then withdrew more physical energy in order to go inward with greater acceleration. The key is, he thought this was necessary. He took literally the idea of putting all of your energy into work.

The body's exuberance has been hidden and denied. It is given some exercise, when you go dancing; sudden exercise after inactivity. You have no daily structure for physical exertion or daily activity of any kind. The body's exuberance must be gently teased out, now, because it has been forcibly restrained.

Ruburt believed his place was in his room. Time spent in the preparation of meals, in your social activity, in travel, was wasted time, and his attitude was largely shared by you. He simply put it into greater ractice.

The idea that being is its own justification is important here: The rights and privileges of the body cannot be long ignored, though Ruburt's body has withstood very much. You should be thankful under the circumstances that the condition was not worse, for the body's own resiliency fought back, and provided some balance out of its own sanity.

The body often would not allow sleep, since the muscles simply needed to be used. They would jump on their own simply for the exercise, regardless of suggestions that sleep come. You both minimized the importance of physical life to a large degree. Your nature and the circumstances prevented you from falling into a like but similar sort of situation.

When Ruburt felt, as I have told you, that you no longer loved him, then he had less use of the body. He feels his body's condition should tell you how devoted he has been to his work, instead of getting at it for not walking right or eating enough. He feels you should consider his condition as one of the means adopted in a goal in which you both believe. He was then afraid of giving up the condition for fear of using hysical energy at the expense of mental energy, and hence at the expense of his work.

(I couldn't agree with these ideas less. It may be beating a dead horse, but let me say that I've told Jane time and again that I don't consider her physical condition an acceptable price to pay for any sort of creative achievement. This idea hasn't penetrated, though.)

You both always railed against overweight people. He did not think that would bother you then. (But it does, terrifically.) Again, he did not foresee the results. When they became obvious he decided there was nothing to do but put up with them if the end was justified.

(This statement struck me so forcibly that I simply had to stop writing for a bit in order to recover from my amazement. I asked Seth to wait.)

He felt you did not want him in bed anyway, so you would not complain there. He tried then to attain the goal in ways that would not upset you, as far as his understanding went at the time.

(I found all of this quite incredible, etc.)

When your communications were reestablished, he began to see that you suffered far more than he supposed from his course of action.

(I explained this to Jane last summer. But that was six months ago now, and there has been no change.)

When he began it, as explained, your personal relationshi was relatively at an unstable point. He did not feel he could depend upon you, and so went inward in the way given.

Now take your break. You may end the session if you prefer.

("No.")

(10:32. During break Jane received a phone call from New York City; the caller, a girl, told of the death this evening of Francois Nesbitte. At age 46, of a heart attack, etc. Resume at 10:46.)

Nothing could sway him from that course while he believed it was the right one. When the two of you became more emotionally open, then he began to doubt it.

He wants you to leave Artistic and paint full time, to make up to you what you have suffered on his account, and also because he now believes that is the correct course to follow. I will go deeper into this in our next session.

Part of the reaction had to do with past conditioning, and was all interwoven. He was so often told "Do not fritter away your energy," "Do not go in so many directions at once," "Restrain yourself,"

and so he was making sure that he avoided these pitfalls.

The condition with the teeth simply resulted from keeping a tight upper lip, clamping down the jaw. He made his bed, he would lie in it. To relax meant to let down the guard, and distractions in. The physical strains altered the appearance of the teeth, then. Physically there were infections, enough to maintain the condition and no more. The condition had certain invisible boundaries that were carefully maintained. Only when the body objected and went over those boundaries did he become frightened, for he saw then that he lacked the control over the body he thought he held. He could not silence all of its objections.

He never planned on the condition becoming permanent, but only as a conditioning process to be dispensed with when no longer needed. He also wanted you so see how hard he was working, so that you would not resent his being at home. This also showed that he was paying for the rivilege. He did not intend that you pay also.

In the beginning you encouraged him, and found such signs of withdrawal as indications of his maturity. Again, you both in the past found any endeavor disconnected from your work as a distraction. He saw to it that they were cut out and dispensed with in a large degree.

The dancing always did him good, and you also. There were sometimes hysical repercussions following it, simply because the muscles were so unused to the activity.

I will close with one note, however. Under the circumstances the vacation idea, with or without variations, is a good one, during which focus upon the physical aspects of life should be emphasized and encouraged. Do you have any questions?

(Is this vacation going to do any good? It seems to me there's got to be a strong change in his attitude, or the whole thing's going to be wasted.)

The rest, the changed focus, will be of benefit. The time given to simple bodily pleasures -- ("But he's got to be willing to do these things..."]

(I was quite skeptical. I was remembering a lot of other such statements by Seth about vacations, etc., none of which accomplished anything that I could remember. I was remembering now what Seth had said earlier in the session about Jane's attitude toward vacations, chores, etc., being a waste of time since these things took her away from her work.)

The stimulus of changed physical surroundings will be of benefit. The restaurant food will also be a stimulus to his appetite, and the changing physical sights alone refreshing. The change will also break old patterns of behavior, and will help therefore in changing his attitude.

(I didn't believe any of this, and still don't. I let Seth see my disbelief, but said no more. Nor have I yet seen a vacation break any atterns of behavior, or change any attitudes. After the session, I told Jane I would have to see it to believe it.)

Now you may end the session or take a break.

(We might as well end it, then.)

Your understanding will also help, for he thought that you agreed with the basic premise.

(He's known for at least a year that I didn't agree at all---and robably longer than that, Seth.)

He did not understand that you did not basically agree. Now I will end the session ---and I hope that you are glad of the information.

("I am. Good night, Seth, and thank you very much.")

(11:05. I think the session probably the most important that we've achieved, though this importance is built upon all those that have gone before, of course.)

(I still intend to leave Artistic at the end of January, though some of my ideas have changed. Now I wonder if Jane will take my painting full time as a sign that her course of action was right all along, and simply intensify her withdrawal. Earlier today I told her I didn't have any more time to wait, because of my physical age, that I no longer wanted to wait, etc. Easy to say. I have no idea whether I can bring it off, but I feel I might as well try. I feel exhausted, and that every other avenue has been explored.)

(There follows the translation of the Sumari quoted at the beginning of the session:)

[The body knows its splendor.]

[Beware those who would deny it.]

[Like a stallion it will rear up and kick you]

[If you rein in its power.]

(Jane translated this Wednesday morning. It's very interesting to note that even though I wrote the original in Sumari, she is the one who makes it available in English. When I wrote it I had not the slightest idea of its meaning, etc. The same applies to the verses I wrote for her Christmas card.)