February 16, 1972

[DELETED SESSION]

[FEBRUARY 16, 1972 WEDNESDAY 8:20 PM]

(Deleted February 16, 1972. Marathon, Florida. 8:20 PM, Wednesday.)

(Just as we had talked at the end of the session on January 19, we talked for hours before tonight's session. First we took answers from my endulum. I had always thought that method very reliable---and so it was once more. Amazing, the beliefs that seemed so obvious, yet so ersistent!)

(Jane became so excercised by those answers that she scribbled her own notes and doodles some of which are presented here), then pounded out on her typewriter, misspellings and all, her further reactions before tonight's session.)

``{=html} ``{=html} ``{=html} Now---let me proceed at my own rate, and in my own manner. Your questions will be answered, but let me go about it in my own way, and not start out necessarily with question A.

Some of this, then, will be in the nature of necessary review. Apropos of your own discussion earlier this evening, I have a few remarks.

First of all, Ruburt idealized you, as you know, in the early days of your marriage and courtship. The poetry to you clearly shows that he did not regard you in the same light as ordinary men. He did feel to some extent after your move to Elmira that you withheld leadership. This was twice the crushing blow because he overidealized you to such a degree to begin with.

I told you some of this was review, but pertinent. He felt that when he had initiated action in the past that it had not worked, and he was then afraid of initiating new action, so he kept waiting for you to do so. This mainly involved the idea of leaving your job, particularly as money accumulated in the bank.

None of this was spoken, and he felt it disloyal. He felt that you would interpret any such feelings on his part as aspersions against your manhood. He was finally driven to voice some of these attitudes as the years passed; particularly after your 50th birthday and his 40th, he became literally panic-stricken, yet you did nothing, to his way of thinking.

(I explained to Jane that I've never felt any aspersions against my manhood; that has never been a problem with me. As far as the idea of doing nothing, I explained to her that I thought saving money would enable us to get our own living quarters eventually, and thus solve some long-range problems. As soon as I realized that she was rebelling against a way of life that we had fallen into, probably mainly at my unwitting behest, I tried to make amends by leaving the job, etc. I would say the realization became conscious late last year; I kept the job until we finished checking the script for) Seth Speaks [, by the end of January.]

Success to him now would automatically put you in a poor light in his eyes. There was the struggle to succeed and not to succeed. He felt you were not putting yourself to the test, that you were holding back while he was putting himself to the test, and often not doing too well.

(Again, I don't consider that any success of Jane's would put me in a oor light. I have been for her success, especially since I began to understand my poor reactions to the publication of her first book---jealousy, etc.)

(A quick recheck with the pendulum as I write these notes reaffirms that I want Jane to be a success, that I am not jealous, that I am happy to have left the job, and that I want to be a painter.)

The fact that you would say "I am giving you the opportunity to do this by my job" entrapped him further, for he felt basically that underneath this was another reason: that if you wanted badly enough to paint all the time that you would do so, that you should have done so, that you should do so, that you would and could have managed without jobs, articularly in the later years, and that you were betraying yourself and therefore him. He did not feel this was his responsibility. It was a reversal of the leadership for him to tell you what to do.

(I agree with all of the above, except that perhaps leadership should be a mutual thing in our case, one's strengths bolstering the others' weaker points, etc.)

He did not want to admit these feelings to you or himself. He felt also, in the past, that if he told you to leave the job, and it did not work out as you wanted, that you would blame him, as he thought (underlined) you blamed him for the move from Sayre.

As his own early youth vanished and nothing was done, he grew more frightened. He saw your lives blurring into those lived by others, the fine lines of purpose finally becoming dulled.

The psychic work was quite all right as long as it added to or blended with your own creative endeavors.

Now besides all this, as you know, because of his background he has a great need for emotional give-and-take and reassurance. This must come largely from you. It is and has been a sore point. As he became afraid that youth left him and that your drives to paint and write were not as secure and overriding, then he became even more in need of reassurance.

Because of the situation, of course, it was even more difficult than usual for you to give it. This in itself aggravated those old fears concerning sex and the body---that it would lead him astray. If you did not---I am using his terms now---flirt with him and play with him in those terms, he was afraid he would look for that assurance in other men's eyes.

All of this contributed to the hampering of body motion. For whatever reasons, he never planned to marry a man who would go away to work each day, but saw you both involved in a jointly-shared comradeship of work and love. You, it seemed later, grabbed hold of a job with great tenacity and would not let it go, and he grew more and more afraid of suggesting that you do so.

Since you did not do so on your own, he was afraid that this meant that you did not want to. He would be forcing you into a position that you were avoiding with all your might, regardless of what you said. He felt forced into a corner, with life slipping away.

He wanted to shout your decision (to leave Artistic) to the skies of course, and thought he was quite reasonable by saying nothing for a while, at your request; yet secretly he thought that your attitude of silence meant that you were not proud of the decision, did not want it known, that you were acting ashamed of it and wanted it kept quiet, rather than as a triumph.

Now. The feelings of pessimism belong to you both, and help in keeping the symptoms in a stirred-up condition. They are a strong part of your roblem, and there is a negative feedback that operates in that regard.

You still do not encourage , now, lovingly (underlined) Ruburt to discuss his fears. The two of you do not consistently bring them out into the open. Some could be easily dismissed if you lovingly said "These are harmless. Don't you understand how silly they are," but without accusation.

The daily habit would reap great results. I have told you both often---Do you want a rest?

[("Yes.")

(8:47. My hand was tired. At break I did some ranting and raving to some degree. Jane said she didn't want to continue the session if it made me feel that way, but I answered that I did want the session continued, etc. Resume at 9:00.)

Now. It is precisely because Ruburt places such high value on your work and ability that he was so concerned. Had you stopped painting, you see, the dilemma in a way would not have existed. He felt you were denying yourself the one thing you wanted out of life above all others.

(This material, on up to break, is largely in answer to things I said, and questions brought up, at last break. It's very well done.)

The more he valued your work the more concerned he became. He often in the beginning resented the psychic work precisely because it took time from your painting for transcripts. Therefore behind all of this is his high estimation of your abilities and work, and his refusal to see you trapped so that you do not have full time to use them.

He was angry at your mother for whatever ideas she gave you that revented the full use of your abilities. One of the things Ruburt resents most about your mother is her lack of understanding of the nature of your artistic abilities. Ruburt considered your mother an enemy in that regard.

So it is not that in Ruburt's eyes that what you have done is not important. Its importance however in his eyes brings about the responsibility to go further. The steady, unvarying devotion that you have for him is always appreciated, never taken for granted, but he feels he would be denying that devotion of yours if he did not see to it that you had your chance to work.

Now give us a moment. (Pause.) The value of your lives together and separately does not appear to you. Your effect upon others, even before the psychic work, has been literally invaluable to many eople. You have been beacons to them. You go quite literally into areas into which many cannot follow. You go for them and for yourselves, this being the nature of creativity.

Your relationship alone, as unsatisfactory as it may seem to you at times, has served, and will, as a beacon for many who have not dared to try for so much, who have not dared to accept the challenges that you have accepted.

All of this should be kept in mind, and I tell you so that you do not concentrate upon the difficulties, and find no merit in your lives. You are both responsible for the psychic development, and without your steady devotion so many, Joseph, would not have been helped. You do not know these people, that have read the books and benefitted.

Now we will take a break. Do not blame the good people.

("Okay.")

(9:10. Seth spoke thus because of a lot of noise next door. Newcomers were moving into the unit beside us; I heard a child's voice also, which at once made me angry. Our landlord had told us earlier that people from Canada were coming to stay a week or ten days---in other words, as long as we would probably be here---but he hadn't mentioned children. I frowned, then Seth spoke. One more problem, I thought, even if only temporary. Jane and I had a good discussion, though. I thought the material excellent. Resume at 9:22.)

Now. With each book that Ruburt produced, he felt guiltier that you were still at the job. He was afraid that both of you would become too timid as time went on to make the move that he felt you must make, and that the necessary opportunity would slip through you fingers.

Regardless of the earlier overidealization he still thinks, you see, that you are unique among men, for true love allows one to perceive the sublime uniqueness of the beloved. Beside your own drive to paint, he saw you through the eyes of his own drive to create.

He feels you also have a role to play in the psychic work that you could not play with a job.

Now. A separate point, returning now to a discussion of fears. Before you left for your trip I told you of some of Ruburt's negative rojections, and advised you both to discuss them. I remember the night well. You had a snack and went to bed, and that was that. And I spoke in stern terms.

(Jane remembers this session better than I do. It took place in January. Anyhow, we didn't have any such discussion as recommended, etc.)

Because you made the decision to leave does not mean that automatically the negative thought patterns are relieved. When Ruburt had fears about his physical abilities during the trip before the trip, they were not thoroughly discussed, barely mentioned. Together you should have seen that under the circumstances they were "natural extensions" (in quotes) of past habit. Some of them ordinary-enough concerns that anyone would have embarking upon a trip, about money, etc.

hardly dire, and easily dealt with if aired; but he was ashamed of them.

They were negative and to be hidden.

Loving encouragement in getting rid of those would have taken care of the trip difficulties. Instead he tried to smile and shove the tri fears under, and you let him.

You both still lacked the communication of your desires and fears.

Simple feelings go unexpressed.

Now there are reasons for all this. I will see that you get them, but in the meantime you both can make an effort to express feelings. (We have already begun, with good results, as I type this the next day.) It will become easier as you go on.

(Humorously.) The nonexpression leaves the door open for all kinds of misinterpretations. Some of the difficulty here had to do with the fact that Ruburt uncovered his body in front of others, which to him made him feel vulnerable, pointed up the contrast (with others) ; he would not let the normal feelings have release.

He should have cried quite honestly in front of you, and you should have then tried to reassure him of those positive elements of his appearance.

Earlier however he would not have so bared himself under any circumstances. He purposely put himself in a position where the physical was stressed. This was an advance. It also meant however that you should have both honestly faced the feelings aroused. Instead he tried to hide them.

(I had noticed of course when Jane began to wear brief garments here, but I assumed she had simply decided to do so, and so I considered it a distinct advance. It completely escaped me that she was hiding feelings about revealing herself. Questioning her before writing these notes, I learned that she had indeed covered up feelings of inadequacy, crying, etc., regarding her appearance as compared with others.)

There are points in the session that I want to elaborate upon, and several other comments I want to make for now.

Again, your loving encouragement that he can, for example, go down a step is highly important and supportive. Because of the reasons given earlier in this session, he retreats and hypnotizes his muscles into believing they cannot act such and such a way. He tries quite honestly to perform an act while believing he cannot, so that the muscles do fight themselves, and hurt quite painfully.

Your loving encouragement therefore helps ease the transition into action, again, quite practically, regardless of the reasons for the self-hypnosis--- (But we're not really going to get anywhere until he gets over that self-hypnosis.)

---and until you encourage the free flow of feeling; and you can. The situation is not nearly as hopeless as it appears, and I tell you, Joseph, that your joint feelings of hopelessness are as hypnotizing as what I just explained to you of Ruburt's actions.

I cannot put it to you more simply than this: as long as you persist in considering the situation hopeless, then it is and you make it so. The moment you break out of that circle, the moment improvement begins and continues.

("Then he hasn't been out of that circle since this business began." By this, I meant for at least the last five years. I should have said so, but Seth picked up my meaning.)

He has not indeed, except for two periods, and neither have you. The fact, however, that you have left your job gives you a strong advantage and starting point, but you must use it. This means that you must first of all honestly admit your feelings about leaving your job; both of you, both your fears and hopes. Then it means that you do not waste time and energy in apathy, or in crying over the past, but that you see yourself at last beginning upon a course of action that is highly important. And a course, incidentally, that many people are not graced to follow. Your abilities give you added dimensions of mental and spiritual natures that you take for granted.

They are so a part of you that you do not recognize their relative uniqueness, and it is important that you do. Others recognize these qualities quite well in you, and their lack of them. It is highly important then that you try to sense this, be thankful for it, and not concentrate upon what seems to you to be the tragedy that you did not use them fully earlier.

[Quite frankly, they are of such a nature that youth could not bring them to fruition. This you and Ruburt should underline and remember. You could not use them as a youth, fully, anymore than Ruburt could have used his psychic abilities without gross distortion] .

Underline the last several sentences, and take my word for it.

Now for tonight I will let you rest, but there will be other sessions; and I suggest that you follow the plans that you began today.

(Okay.)

I bid you a fond good evening.

("Thank you, Seth. Good night.")

(9:52.)