February 19, 1972

[DELETED SESSION]

[FEBRUARY 19, 1972 SATURDAY 9:05 PM]

(Deleted. February 19, 1972, Marathon, Florida. 9:05 PM, Saturday.)

(Today Jane and I visited Key West, some 50 miles from here. We asked about rates at several motels, etc. After the excellent session on Wednesday, February 16, we hoped for good improvements in Jane.

Yesterday there were some. Today on the trip she was noticeably slower, had trouble going down a step. We took a nap upon returning. I arose with several questions that I wanted answered in a session tonight; the trouble with steps, why she took a turn for the worse after the tour for) The Seth Material [, etc.?]

(We talked briefly after a late supper.While washing up, Jane told me after she was finished, she "got" that she was worse in Key West because she should have stayed here and worked today. We went to Key West with the idea of possibly spending our last week there, but found prices too high for us, at least on such short notice. After the nap, I suggested we might stay here the next week, to work, have a couple of sessions, etc., and Jane agreed.)

(When Jane came out of the bathroom after washing, she said several times that she was getting this information, that it had a strong charge behind it, and that she "didn't know what to do." She repeated this hrase several times. The feelings wanted to explode, she said. She had experienced similar feelings some other times here in the past week, articularly after the last session, and made an effort to discharge them reasonably by talking. I thought that probably the feelings should be allowed to come out violently, but we were inhibited by our surroundings, and probably fear, etc. At any rate it seemed a great hel that we had even reached the feelings. I asked Jane, rather impatiently at last if she could discharge the feelings in a session, as we had lanned.)

(She said she thought Seth was trying an experiment, that it was better to do it this way. She could feel Seth about, but he was letting her go ahead on her own.)

[(It was a colder, very windy night here. The wind had been blowing strongly---to 30 miles an hour, and even more---for over 24 hours. We had the heater on in the efficiency. We sat in the kitchen. Jane's voice was average, so this meant that often I had to ask her to repeat a hrase because the various noises almost drowned it out. She said later that she was in an altered state of consciousness. She knew what she was saying and remembered some of it. Her eyes were open most of the time.

Her pace didn't exceed my writing speed, but often it was close to the limits. A mild anger showed itself at times.)

[(Therefore, at Jane's suggestion I began to write down what she said.

It must be remembered that at the start of this experiment neither of us knew what would develop.)]

All right (Jane said) , call me the creator, this part of me that's talking. We're using it to designate what I am. I'm composed of your strong drives for creativity. My purpose is to protect and direct your energies specifically in the areas of writing and painting. I'll state what I think simply. [I] want this dialogue because my urposes were not being met. My efforts have obviously worked against themselves.

Strong moral ideas welded what I am together---welded the creative drives like glue. Part of me was born in Ruburt's childhood. This part was strengthened by your own ideas of work and creativity. You became the policeman. I relied on you to see that Ruburt's creativity was channeled and used, protected, but most of all not frittered away.

Many aspects of your joint ideas gravitated toward me. Other areas of living were all molded together so that unity would result. You would have, for example, no desires that would be basically in opposition to the creative one.

Your creative drives became a part of what I am, so that what I am includes the strength of both of your creative drives. I believe that you both must write and paint a reasonable amount of time daily.

(Pause.) I was always against any jobs that would divert you as long as you were not in dire need, in which case I was willing to suspend my judgment.

You began to change your ideas. I expected them to be unswerving. When it seemed you would not police the two of you with the [intense fervor] necessary, I began to do so, and took upon myself all those attitudes that had been yours. It was easy. Ruburt is literal-minded in many ways. He looked up to you. The constant suggestions took root, and I used this for my purposes.

I am literal-minded, in that I believe you are meant to be creators, and I have done all in my power to see that you did not swerve. I considered your position dangerous, more so as time passed. My methods however obviously are not working now, so it becomes necessary that I communicate with you.

(Long pause at 9:31, eyes open. I didn't ask any questions.)

There was difficulty with the books. My drive was being met, and yet the money was being used to support a status quo that I could condone only for the first several years in Elmira.

I do not want you to go hungry, or to be unhappy. I do not want you to be in want, but outside of that nothing else concerns me but your work.

You two more or less made me a promise that Ruburt would begin working sensibly on his book again (after last session) , and instead you took a trip. I consider this a betrayal---a small one, but quite indicative of your behaviors.

My methods have not brought about what I wanted, however. Now you spend half of your time trying to figure them out, and what is wrong with Ruburt---time that you should be working. I do not care if both of you die poor, but I do demand that you live using your abilities.

That purpose unites you, and when you are not tuned to it completely you are unhappy or sick, one or the other. I am protective because I know that this is so. It is the purpose that gives everything else in your lives meaning. Because I am attached to Ruburt now, his ideas of course color many of mine, so his fear of the passing years developed upon your fear of them ten years ago, projected now into your future, as ten years older than he. So to me you have no right to have a job.

I understand you have left, but I expected a full concentration on your work and plans. Unfortunately there were side effects from my methods, that make Ruburt's condition an impediment to the very plans I want.

(Pause at 9:40.) These themselves led you to concentrate on his condition here. On his own, in other words, he picked up negative habits, apparently as a side effect of my methods.

I considered the trip a scandal today. The vacation itself an excellent idea if half of it were devoted to work. I go along with the psychic development, as long as it adds to your work and influences it. I am suspicious of it if it prevents you from painting, because of notes, but this does not bother me when you are painting also.

My demands, to me, are simple and reasonable. More than that, I see no others worthwhile. All you have to do to please me is work a reasonable amount of hours daily; then I do not care what you do, but I expect that urpose to govern and direct your lives to be the focus about which all other events happen, not a sideline.

I abhor hobbyists. All of what I am has been, and is, to keep you from falling off the fine line of concentrated, intensely concentrated, creative endeavor (pause) , that is the purpose that drives you both.

I accept no substitutes, and in that respect I am like a jealous God. I am also somewhat like a computer gone amuck, however, if my methods do not meet my ends. I want the main energizing portion of you directed into your work, both of you. Now they have been directed toward Ruburt's condition. The condition will vanish automatically if these ends are met. They are side effects.

You said once that you would like to live on a mountaintop, and never go out, and just work and have no distractions. Ruburt was carrying this out in his own way.

If you work on your own, both of you, then I do not need to police you.

You are free to play and wander when your work is done. I tried to have him sit and write books, chained to his chair, don't you see. The urpose twofold: to see that he worked creatively himself, [and could not have a job] , and to have money so that you could paint full time.

The more the books were written, the less willing it seemed you were to do what I wanted. The struggle made it difficult even to create for a time. I was caught between using my energies to help Ruburt create, and trying to get money through the creativity for you to quit. This itself hampered the creative drive, hence the dream book difficulty.

You would not quit anyway, so I created a book that would not sell. This did not seem to help. Ruburt became anxious. I released the creativity full force then in the beginning of Adventures and the new (Sumari) development.

You finally began to realize that I wanted you to leave the job (long ause at 9:55) , but the negative attitudes that had built u attached themselves to the new projects---something I did not foresee.

My power is the strength of both of your drives. (Pause for a cigarette.) I am a part of you, then, the part that always hated your job, and can scarcely forgive you for keeping it so long.

I understand it was necessary for a time, but all thoughts of security beyond the daily necessities mean little to me. I want you secure enough to work in peace. Outside of that I have no interest.

(10:00.) I see the spontaneity of your sketches, so good, many of them done at the job, kicking your heels up at the job---the spontaneity in direct opposition to the work demanded of you there.

To me, my demands are simple. I rage when neither of you work as you should. Show me you do not need a policeman, that if I let go you will not slide away from your goals. I am a taskmaster. That is my role. I am reasonable, however. I am willing now to negotiate. In negotiating with me you negotiate with yourselves. I do not accept compromises. I do accept solid work and firm intent.

I have not compromised. You have. Now I state my purposes and conditions lainly. Seth thought you would find this direct statement even more informative than his indirect description of it.

I need your cooperation now, since the methods that I chose have fallen so poorly. Apparently I must allow you more freedom, [but you must use the freedom to do what I want you to do.]

("Well, we're perfectly willing to do that.")

(The portion of Jane that was speaking gave no sign that my voice had been heard.)

I am tired. I have done my best. I do need your understanding and cooperation now. I have worked long and hard for you; though it seems that I have been a tyrant, I have always tried to be the servant of your own abilities.

(I understand.)

I am dismayed. I did not think Ruburt would work unless he was chained to his chair, so I chained him, both to do his own work and force you to do yours. Then you both fought me . He did not like working chained, and I tried to make the chains appear as natural as I could. He is not physically harmed to any great degree (one of the questions I wanted discussed tonight, although I never mentioned it to Jane) , or maimed. I can say however that for some time I did not care if he was, if these purposes were met. I see now that they would not be, that instead all your time would be spent concentrating upon the condition that was meant as a protection, until no work was done---hence my dismay. I was not appreciated, though I did my best for you.

("I think we appreciate the intent. It's our nature to be creators, but finally we had great difficulty creating under the conditions mentioned.

The situation became self-defeating.")

(At 10:14 Jane sat with eyes closed, giving no sign that I had been heard.)

I suppose you will have to be on your own now. I have done all I can [(crying) and have....

[(Jane broke down in tears now. I held her up in her chair as she cried.

I felt like crying too. The portion of her personality that had been speaking sounded hurt and defeated, and in the process of retreat. I am not trying here, now, to judge this portion---herein after called "it"

for convenience---or to say that it is going to vanish forever, or release its hold overnight. We will see.]

(Jane tried to say more. I talked to it, offering reassurances, saying we didn't require it to leave us, but merely to understand our need for freedom. The physical freedom symbolized creative freedom, I said. To us freedom of motion meant creative freedom. It agreed, as Jane cried. She became very relaxed in her chair, so that I had to hold her upright.)

(By 10:25 the tears seemed to be over. Jane felt so limp and relaxed, I told her, t) [hat it seemed she had shed two tons of weight.

The crippled black cat we've made friends with here cried outside our door, so I let him in and fed him. We split a beer. I held the cup to Jane's lips because she said she was too relaxed to hold it. As I wrote these notes she half lay on her own chair with her head in my lap---a osition she hadn't taken for years. She yawned again and again. She didn't want to lay on the bed.]

(I hoped the portion of her consciousness that had contacted us would now let her have her freedom. Certainly her state at the moment was a good sign. Many yawns at 10:40.)

(Jane said she was in an altered state of consciousness as she delivered the material, yet was aware of what she said as she said it.

"I felt this real sad 'Okay, I'm going,' at the end," she said. It had wound up confused over what to do, but I thought we could help it understand as the days passed. I thought she was achieving, or trying for, an integration of drives that might be very important. I hoped that the motivations behind it would rise to join her ordinary consciousness.)

(As we talked at 10:45 it almost returned. Jane said she got, several times, "and all that for nothing," so I repeated our ideas. I made it a oint to reiterate my statements about freedom being absolutely necessary to us in order to create, and that we requested its help and assistance with these limits or goals in mind. "But I'll be just as happy, " Jane said, "if it goes away altogether." The only concern I had in this respect was that it represented creative drives, if in a distorted form. I wanted the drives to remain with us for our use without limitations, so I wasn't sure if it should be dispensed with completely.)

("There must have been a fantastic charge behind it," Jane said between yawns. "For a while there I was as light as air. Already I'm wondering now as I come out of it: am I okay now, am I free? How are my knees going to be when I try to get up?" etc.)

(10:55. "I'm not sure I should even think about it," she said, still yawning, but I think the relaxations reached to about here," and she touched her legs just above her knees. Previous relaxations, including one yesterday, stopped at her waist. "I can't understand it," she said.

"I seem to be getting another one after coming out of the first trance... Going back in...." She didn't, though. I helped her to the john. Afterward she told me her knees felt better than they had in some time.)

[(Later the next day, as I write these notes, she told me her knees are "working, bending somewhat," as they haven't been doing. She has been walking stiff-legged.)