January 28, 1974

[DELETED SESSION]

[JANUARY 28, 1974 8:47 PM MONDAY]

(A note: Late this morning Jane and I drove up to the Hoffman Street ost office and mailed the corrected script of) Personal Reality [to Prentice-Hall. Now we wait for page proofs, supposedly due in a month or so, correct those, and our part of the long job will be done. I told Jane I thought the book would be very successful.]

(This is the first session since the deleted one of January 7, which was held just before the script for) Personal Reality [came back to us. Since then Jane has become noticeably worse in her symptoms.

Today she told me that she had become very frightened. I had noticed the changes, of course, and became very despairing. Today I described the question in my mind as I fell asleep last night: With such a situation developing, why hadn't she at least asked---let alone demanded---sessions, in order to find out what was going on? Of course I often have such thoughts, and have often been completely baffled by her behavior in this regard; I said I thought the fact that we were busy---even more so than usual---should have nothing to do with holding off on such a need. I also said I must have responsibility for her symptoms in ways I still don't understand.)

Now, good evening.

(Good evening, Seth.)

Both of you have seen yourselves in the past in a rather specialized light, and interpreted your success, or lack of it, or progress or lack of it, in one particular area only; and you had at least, each of you, a tendency to view the other in the same manner, though this was far more emphasized on Ruburt's part. So you thought of yourself as an artist, rimarily, and judged your success, or lack of it, through that focus, and generally through that focus only.

Ruburt saw himself as a writer, and judged himself through that focus, and other accomplishments that did not rigidly adhere to that focus were not considered successes, or even were jealously regarded as detriments.

It is far more obvious now in Ruburt's case than in your own. Because of this, however, he was never sure whether or not you resented the time spent in this work---the sessions.

("I never did resent it." We had talked about this at times, of course, but now I thought I saw a new angle to things, and felt hope; where before I had thought there were no new angles....)

Viewing you as he viewed himself, using the same logic, he was afraid however that basically you felt our work a detriment to your own, and that its success , while pleasing you on the one hand, might prevent you from success as an artist because you would not have the time, and that you would basically resent it. You always encouraged him in our work, and he knew this. Still, your part in it conflicted with his ideas of you and what you wanted.

You are each far more consciously aware consciously of the course you have chosen, individually and together, than you realize. All along the way there were many choices that each of you made, leading to your resent position. As you mentioned following your parents' deaths, there was a sense of aloneness. It is because Ruburt [always felt that] aloneness that he has in his own way tried to serve both of your purposes at the same time. (I felt bad for Jane's aloneness.)

He wanted you to have what you wanted to have. He considered your ainting---and much that he has done has been on your behalf as well as his own. It may seem , as you say, that he did not take your feelings into consideration---as no man wants, on that level, to see his wife at all incapacitated. But in his own way, and no matter how misguided, he was trying to pace himself and his temperament with yours, to play up those mental writing abilities that would help his career, and in which you took such pride---and [while doing that] , lay down qualities that might distract you from your own work, by encouraging physical activities---parties, vacations, travelings, that would further take up your time, when you were already taking time away from your art to help him in sychic work.

The concentration would also provide financial fruits. He would not be making money for both of you that would enable you to paint, etc., but losing it, if he allowed himself the freedom to run all over the place, take vacations, etc. He thought he was buying you time, and for himself as well.

Some of this he is aware of, but all of it was based upon the specializations, the private focuses through which both of you have a tendency to view your lives. You, Joseph, are beloved by many people you do not know. You have enriched their lives, through the notes, through your part in our work. People who are strangers to you consciously feel better because you exist. That is the kind of success that matters.

(I hardly expected this, since my own inner world is often in turmoil.)

The same applies to Ruburt. Your relationship is used as a model by others, people who have found in their adulthood no way as yet to relate to their mate in a meaningful manner--- (humorously:)

regardless of how many times they do it a month.

That is the kind of success that matters. It is only preconceived ideas of a specialized nature that prevent you from seeing that you are successes.

Now: Larry (Herschaft) is touched by your paintings, and by your reality as it is translated through your paintings. Your freedom as an artist will come precisely when you free yourself from identifying exclusively with that image in your relationship with yourself and the world. Then you are free to use your abilities, [for your survival] does not depend upon them. Do you follow me?

("Yes." At the time I thought Seth meant my nonphysical survival. Now I see the statement can apply to physical survival also.)

The same applies to Ruburt. Give us a moment.... (9:11.)

I suggest you read the session I gave concerning the importance of the erson from which the artist or writer springs. I suggest also that Ruburt read it especially. All of the individual and joint inhibitions you have placed upon yourselves spring directly from those specialized versions of yourselves.

Sex became dangerous---not to protect your persons---which would be delighted, but to protect your rigid, limited ideas of your "artistic selves"---the writer and the artist might be threatened, and so your ersonal lives must suffer, and the persons be shoved away.

Now if you can understand that , and those reactions in the sexual area, then you can understand how Ruburt simply carried them further than you would; the same rationale applies. The artist and the writer are not dependent upon such inhibiting factors, but instead [limited by them] .

You each produced despite your individual and joint efforts to inhibit other areas of your life; to protect a limited, old idea of what an artist and a writer are. You may take your break.

(9:17 ---9:30.)

Now. Ruburt is always better physically when we have regular sessions; as now, looking back, you can see by contrast.

(Yes. I was somewhat surprised. For some reason this rather obvious connection had escaped me. I don't know about Jane.)

For many reasons, the body uses the extra energy that is available in sessions. Ruburt is using his natural abilities and the fulfillment helps physically.

(A question: But Jane has been having at least) [ one ] [weekly session---in ESP class.... She needs more?)

There are other reasons also. I simply wanted to make the point, as an aside.

Here I want to continue with our earlier discussion--- (humorously:) or monologue. The man and woman that you each are, are not threatened by love-making, parties, evenings out or vacations. The writer and the artist are not threatened either by those activities---but each of you in your own way have, until now, believed that they were.

It is true, cortisone is released through the system in love-making, and Ruburt needs it. He is a sexually responsive and expressive woman. I realize the ambiguities in that sentence. It is precisely because he is that the two of you together see to it that your sexual activity is minimal---and neither of you have regretted it on deeper levels.

(Forcefully in here.) You may complain, to save face, both of you, and only a strong relationship like yours would survive under those conditions.

Ruburt's condition does put you off, so neither of you have to contend with exuberant physical desire, that might interrupt you.

Now , this is mainly , but only mainly, on Ruburt's part; but it is in deep response to your early attitudes, and some of those still continue: to you it seems obvious where Ruburt "errs," yet some of your own strategy very neatly escapes you, so that the rationalization so clear to you on Ruburt's part, is invisible in your own case.

Ruburt will progress so far, then progress stops. This results from both of your attitudes and behavior. I will give you an example. After Ruburt has not been out publicly for a while---to a bar or restaurant---or met people, he becomes frightened. In his mind he sees people looking at him. He sees himself as an eyesore, and wants to hide. Then, utilizing our sessions, he begins to improve. Impulses arise again to go out---for dinner, to mix with others, to a bar.

When they do emerge, those impulses, he is the one who, after having conquered the earlier fears, finally, hesitantly trying to test his courage, suggests such an endeavor. In the meantime, you (strongly) have never made such a suggestion, nor attempted to arouse him. You say instead to yourself "It is too difficult," or "It is no longer fun," or "It is not worth it."

(This is all too true....)

When such an improvement of attitude does occur on Ruburt's part, it takes considerable courage for him to take or initiate that first step---and you do not ease the way, but in the meantime go along until he makes such a suggestion first. When you finally do both go out, at the most two or three times in a row, something happens. What could it be?

Ruburt enjoys himself in the face of his condition. He is revitalized.

He tries his best under the circumstances to look his perkiest, to have fun. He wants to dance, and he tries, and he does. Then all of a sudden you say, Joseph, "You are not any better. What good does it do to go out?" before you have allowed enough time, and without even acknowledging that Ruburt has lost his fear, which is the most important oint of all (and which I haven't realized) ---for from that all else will follow.

Whenever his confidence is built up to even a small degree, and he shows signs of wanting to go to your joints, then you call the tune, and he lets you. He lets you because he is afraid he has indeed gone too far, and believes that is as far as you want him to go---for all of the reasons given earlier.

You withdraw your support at that point, you find all kinds of reasons, rationalizations, and you withdraw all enthusiasm, so that you effectively inhibit his enthusiasm, so hard won. Then you say "It is no fun to go out," and it does indeed become too hard for him if you are not going to enjoy it. (Forcefully.)

In a different way, you both react as far as love-making is concerned.

You each have an odd ingrown idea that writers and artists exist somehow apart from their personhood. They may be tortured or agonized like ordinary human beings, but they cannot be fulfilled like ordinary human beings---they cannot have friends or share confidences, or let down their hair with each other. They must somehow dwell alone and apart.

They can express their personhood freely---in those areas that do not threaten their creativity, but as the idea grows, there are few areas left. Your creativity as artists is dependent upon the fulfillment of your personhood, not upon its denial. You have feelings from your backgrounds that to share is to be vulnerable, to lose what you have, and the feeling that you can save your abilities only by cutting yourselves off from others.

Some of Ruburt's students would receive great feelings of creative endeavor if you allowed them the simple pleasure of making out envelopes for your (new) letter (to correspondents) , but you are afraid of sharing that work, menial as it is. The two of you are doing what you have decided to do, and producing what you have decided to produce. You have put impediments in your way, but you are producing regardless. You are embarked upon a work that you are determined to embark upon. You are successes, whether or not you insist upon thinking of yourselves sometimes as failures.

Now embarked upon our work, which is also your work, wholeheartedly, your painting abilities and writing abilities will be fully used and developed, and so will Ruburt's abilities. Working wholeheartedly together, you will and can achieve a unity in spirit and body that few can match, and be led toward achievements that will and must also fulfill your personhood.

I would like to see regular sessions again also. It is now for each of you to say, how many times a week. You will be provided for spiritually, hysically and financially, as individually and jointly you accept the selves that you are and the work in which you are involved. Ruburt should also read our last session again, and I bid you a fond good evening. I will have remarks on helper, and other related material, at our next session.

("Thank you, Seth. Good night." 10:03.)