December 17, 1973

[DELETED SESSION]

[DECEMBER 17, 1973 9:27 PM MONDAY]

(After supper Jane and I went over a long list of reasons---beliefs---she had compiled today about the reasons for her symptoms. I thought the list contained accurate perceptions, the best she has done. Jane made the list because of some things I had said in recent days---that the same reasons for her symptoms were still operating, in spite of all the deleted sessions we'd had, in spite of all the suggestions, etc. Many items on the list seemed self-evident. By session time I didn't know whether Seth would blast us or praise us.)

Good evening.

(Good evening, Seth.)

Now. We will deal directly with the matter at hand. Yet we will also consider it in the light of some other material that may help you put it into perspective.

Before we get down to Ruburt's particulars, consider the fact that you are presently a part of a species that is specializing in the development of various kinds of consciousness, embarked upon an adventure that sees consciousness not only trying out new directions, from your perspective, but also trying to "perfect" and advance articular attributes.

The idea of---not perfection, now, but excellence---is presented to consciousness in many ways and in many guises, and the ideal of excellence serves as an impetus for consciousness, an excellence of pattern. The pattern is used as a standard by the individual consciousness. Members of your species are at various stages, and if you ignore stereotypes, historical connotations, then you can see traces of all of the areas of man's so-called past development now in the present, and also examples of future development.

Because of your time concepts and beliefs, the examples from the future even in this exercise will not appear as clearly as those of the past.

There are many still waiting to be sparked, whose lives are, relatively now, unenriched by a mental and psychic environment that you two take for granted. There are those who do not even as yet "enjoy their creaturehood," thinking it beneath them while still being unable to reach through and beyond it.

There are satisfactions enjoyed by each of you, therefore, that would be like revelations of the most shattering kind to some others still in your space-time category.

Now: I want to speak directly about Ruburt's written statement of today.

It must be seen in its entirety. It takes for granted abilities that are extraordinary, abilities that are not enjoyed by most. The purpose, a good one, was to protect and develop them in the circumstances in which Ruburt found himself, and in line with his other ideas about the nature of reality.

The dedication, again, is extraordinary. Taken for granted also is a life relationship with another, and a determination to work out problems within that context; again, a loyalty and love that many have not yet attained. For all of your problems, each of you take your life relationship and your life journey as your lot, accepting the loyalty of the other without question.

Again, many have not been able to attain that kind of relationship even in which to work out problems. The methods that must now be changed, misguided as they were---and they were misguided---still worked for your benefits in large ways. They could have been far more disastrous. The situation is as you both saw it this evening (while reading Jane's list) , except that you did not see it in perspective.

When new "threats" arose, Ruburt reverted to the old pattern. (The new threats being the death of my mother; our freedom to travel, now that we have finished) Personal Reality [; the absence from home and the interruption of routine, etc., as we talked about tonight.) Reading our book however kept some improvements alive, and it was but a matter of time before he would read again the sessions of work that I gave him (as Jane did today) . The beliefs for a while fell back into invisibility because he wanted them to, of course. Those particular sessions are highly important.

Now. Let's return to the basis: the dedication to "work." This in itself is good, but his idea of "work" was what limited him, and what is still limiting him. His life is his "work." This includes his particular, unique, extraordinary abilities; but these spring out of his life, and even out of his relationship with you.

Great talent requires great spontaneity, not great discipline.

Spontaneity knows its own order, and will see that it flows in proper, free, orderly directions. Ruburt has been trying to dam his spontaneity to make sure it flows only through his work, and in doing so has hampered both his life and his work.

He has trained his mind to respond with amazing facility to the moods and messages of the soul. Physically this meant in previous times that the body was fast, responding instantaneously almost to nuances of feeling that were then translated into both physical mobility and mental and psychic leaps of intuition that arose therefrom.

He was afraid that the body spontaneity would lead him away from mental and psychic agility. Since you are physical creatures the messages of the soul must be translated through the flesh, and to impede the flesh is to dim those communications. He has had to use far more energy to get those messages than is necessary, because he has impeded some of the sections through which information flows. He has cut down on some stimuli, and therefore slowed neurological messages.

In so doing he has cut down on the psychic information he could otherwise receive. You cannot shut down, or slow down certain methods of communication, or try to block out some neurological frameworks so that other portions will operate more effectively. It does not work that way.

While Ruburt felt he was doing the right thing, he would put up with almost any inconvenience, or make almost any sacrifice. He must understand that no sacrifice is ever required.

This particular kind of dilemma arises only when an individual recognizes great ability within themselves and is determined to use it.

Protective mechanisms because of faulty beliefs are allowed to redominate, as when an overprotective parent manages, with the best of intentions, to smother a child.

The individual feels the presence of great energy, and is unsure as to how to use it. Picasso let it go freely. Ruburt wonders how much wasted energy went into Picasso's antics---that should have gone into his work.

Van Gogh and Cézanne were afraid of their energy, and with all they did could have done far more. Picasso's free flow of energy in all areas freed energy for his work, and [did not] detract from it. He kept his channels to energy open, therefore the energy flowed through his work freely, and in a short period of time he could produce a ainting that might take years for another as gifted to produce, who husbanded his talent as a miser.

Now both of you have to some extent the false belief that you must protect your abilities against the world and its values, and distractions. You therefore place yourselves in a framework of threat in which your abilities must be cautiously presented, and yourselves in an environment against which you must take self-saving methods.

The world is thirsty for whatever intimations of joy and immortality it can get. It is highly in need of both of your abilities, and will not reject them.

Ruburt sees the two of you against the world. He has taken precautions to protect you and himself. The spontaneity he feared might interfere with his abilities is precisely the key that will release them and him.

It is important that you, Joseph, also examine your beliefs honestly in regard to your work and spontaneity, and your relationship with the world.

How many distractions do you honestly feel are automatically cut out because of Ruburt's condition? How much isolation do those symptoms rovide you? How do they automatically cut down on ordinary give-and-take with neighbors and friends that Ruburt might otherwise engage in?

(A quick, and probably partial answer: I do not know how much I may have counted upon Jane's symptoms in the past to furnish a private world in which I could work. If I ever felt this way it was quite hidden from myself. I do think that the point of no return there was passed some time ago---several years, in fact. Now I think that any such benefits as isolation cannot compare with the price paid to achieve such a state.

How could watching my wife hobble along possibly be considered a fair rice to pay for privacy? The time spent in performing such simple chores as limping down the stairs and out to the car, for example, is far more on a daily basis than any that would be spent chatting with a neighbor, or even visiting, etc. And above all, the symptoms are not worth it to achieve isolation, for ironically the resultant time to work has lost the one ingredient that is important above all: peace of mind in which to carry out the appointed tasks.)

The sexual impulses are cut down. How much are you willing to put up with them in the middle of an afternoon?

(Again: any time spent sexually during the day cannot compare with the amount of time spent, on a daily basis, in worry, concern, frustration, fear, anger, etc.)

Now: for you this question: what do you still get out of Ruburt's symptoms?

(] [ Nothing ] . As I told Jane this evening after reading her list with her: No one, myself included, would have any right to expect another to pay a price such as her symptoms so that the other party would get anything out of the deal whatsoever. My oint was that if she perpetuated her symptoms because of any reasons involving me, that she should instantly dispense with all of those reasons. Others should be left to their own devices in life, etc., etc....)

We know what he still gets out of them. You form your private and joint realities. If Ruburt knew that you were receiving no benefits, but only torment, from his symptoms, then he would give them up on the spot, because of his great loyalty to you, and because he would understand that he was hurting you beyond any benefits he gave.

(I believe this point was reached long ago. Jane, I'm waiting. What could I possibly be getting out of this deal that's worth the price? As I've said several times lately, I think that it is only very recently that Jane has begun to appreciate my reactions to her condition; that she has even realized that I) [ have ]

[a position about them. This in spite of my certainty that my own behavior in earlier years most certainly helped bring the symptoms about. Watching her, I felt for years that she and her symptoms roceeded on their own way quite oblivious to my reactions. I seemed to be an observer, not really taken into account.]

(When these private sessions first began in earnest perhaps a few months or a year ago, this was one of the first questions I asked. Seth very nicely said that Jane did take my feelings into considerations; but I never thought the answers were very satisfactory, and without checking the record I do not remember any benefits flowing from the session.)

This is not to place his condition in your hands at all, but to point out that each of you still find benefits therein. Or the joint reality would not exist as it is.

All of this involves conscious beliefs, some that you have not officially recognized. I know that your hands must be tired but I want to get this clearly stated. What purposes are Ruburt's symptoms serving for you? In other words, what joint purpose are those symptoms serving?

Those purposes involve each of you and your work, and those methods that you think are necessary to direct your energies "properly," husband your energy, and protect you from what you think of as a hostile world. You are as afraid of your energies as Ruburt is. He is afraid of not directing them into his "work." He is convinced that he must protect you and himself from any spontaneity not reflected in work, and from the world.

You are afraid of releasing your energy into your work, for fear it will carry you beyond all ordinary relationships---simply because your father's creativity seemed to cut him off from his wife and sons, and to lead to isolation. Creative success, not necessarily in terms of money, but creative fulfillment, becomes then a threat in which you see yourself cut off and isolated---while isolation is precisely what you think you must have to fulfill your abilities.

Ruburt's symptoms help provide the isolation. His continuing love rovides however the climate, the steady reassuring climate, the only climate in which you dare to taste that isolation. He fears his spontaneity directed toward you sexually and emotionally would threaten you. So do you. You equate emotionalism with your mother. Ruburt equates spontaneity with emotionalism, therefore he imagines that his spontaneity will threaten your art.

You are not clear here.... This is enough for this evening but Ruburt has been afraid that his energy, spontaneously released, could threaten both of your prized abilities. This is not, again, to place his condition at your doorstep by any means. It is to show you that you have a private and a joint reality, and that your purposes merge, and so do your beliefs.

I bid you a fond and (humorously) loaded--- (I guess so.)

---good evening.... A note: Ruburt is heading toward something important with his latest poetry, and as always it leads toward a change of beliefs.

[("Thank you very much, Seth. Good night.")

(10:42 PM. As stated on page 11, my position is that Jane should dispense with her symptoms, as far as my behalf is concerned,)

[ [no matter what] ] [the reasons might be on my art. And as far as I'm concerned that attitude applies to her own reasons too....]

(An added note: I now also realize that my not having an outside job helps Jane perpetuate her symptoms---the idea of "protecting" me against the world, etc. ---see page 12. I'm very afraid now that my not "working" signifies my tacit approval, to her, of her course of action.

I may have to get outside work to break this pattern---for break it I must, if only for the sake of my own feelings and reactions. I may even go so far as to sell paintings---but) [ something ] [will be done.]

(I want Jane to include her list with this session---the one of December 17, 1973. Preferably typed for easy reference:)

((December 17, Monday 1973. Jane:) Part of me feels that the symptoms are an acceptable even ingenious way of seeing that distractions are cut to a minimum; to focus my abilities, like a kid getting a cold to stay in, but more sophisticated, cuts through the necessity for explanations, etc. I think that the symptoms have been a means, and less drastic than some taken by others like Van Gogh for instance [though Picasso just let it all hang out]. Extraordinary talent takes extraordinary discipline, and the symptoms can be used against any distraction.]

(So far I've aimed for a status quo---aiming not to get worse, which does frighten me and makes me consider giving the whole thing up---if it can't be kept in bounds and isn't... manageable; rather than getting entirely better which I see as a threat I guess.)

(Or when I HAVE decided to get better and improve, I'd change my mind at any "danger"; or I'd get better awhile to make Rob feel better when I think he'd rather just have a normal wife. (But he could have chosen somebody else and he chose me because I had these ideas about work, wouldn't threaten him with kids, make him get a regular job, keep us focused, etc. What other wife could do that? Stupid.) Apparently I feel that's why he married me, and what we had in common.]

(Added conflict when: it looks like I'm getting worse and I get scared; when I'm really improving and get scared, when I feel inferior in stores---the other side of the coin and that keeps me from going out more as it's supposed to; when I feel I look lousy or see myself naked.)

(Or when I have to take writing time to figure this stuff out---)

(Or when I love Rob so much and I'm afraid that I'm robbing him by knocking out qualities in me that he loved and that I can't get them back or be lovely again despite what I wrote above).]

(Like if I have to make a choice to be like others, I'd waste time like they do, fritter away energies etc., let go. We haven't even got discipline to get up at a decent hour much less work as we should.)

(All of this has to be turned to finding different methods quickly and an examination of the original theses, and the need for discipline to begin with. What did I give up to get what I've got? Do I really want to keep it up and how can I keep good results and get rid of method? Do I really want to end up as an invalid with R. devoting time to me and anything left over to his work, what would this get either of us?)

(December 17, 1973 Monday)

[1. I still feel guilty doing creative stuff like poetry in work time when it might not sell. How about part of day working on whatever book I'm doing and part on poetry?]

[2. Our survival in this society exists in financial terms---money buys us the time etc. Must be I don't feel my condition physically threatens me though God knows I should.]

[3. Above; of course; not enough money or a job I see as jeopardizing my artistic self; while with the physical condition I can write.]

[4. Can't count on Rob to do much financially, would think it self-betrayal on his part to get a job, and he always complained at Artistic. I felt he had to have his chance and was confident I could swing the financial end without buying a house, etc., anyhow.]

[5. Symptoms keep me at my work, can't do much else; they stop me from frittering away my time, provide built-in discipline that makes up for other people's work hours. Like we don't get up early when we don't have to; if I didn't have to stay in and work, would I?]

[6. Now I feel I should be working at] Aspects [instead of oetry... I put up with that conflict and do poetry anyhow now and then; sloppy thinking in here and feel Tam won't really go for oetry.]

[7. With the symptoms Rob does lots of chores I] [ think ] [he wouldn't do otherwise, freeing me to work? Keeps me from wasting my time with housework; think it's degrading for R. as a male to do chores so much so the symptoms give us both an excuse; also gives him an excuse for not knowing for sure what he wants to do, paint or whatever, he can blame it on lack of concentration because of me.]

[8. Book ideas were to give R. alternatives if he wanted them.]

[9. Yet R.'s work as painter may be greater than either of us know, so on the other hand I feel he should hang onto them, rather than scatter his work, put them in one large room---bedroom?---to show them off well and sell them at high prices; he doesn't sell many now anyhow and his rices may reflect his ideas of art value in society. Is there a correlation between my conflict between poetry and book contracted for, and Rob's attitude toward art and money?]

[10. At same time I think you should go out each day, exercise, see eople, do other things for balance, but this is later stuff? and really just want to write and distrust those impulses. And when I feel them, they're charged.]

[11. I think all this is for Rob's good as much as mine despite my fears and his fears for me. One thing I can give him; buy time for him to do whatever he wants, be free of family and money problems, if he worries about me he isn't going to feel responsible to get a job and my symptoms give him an excuse not to socially (old ideas) and the symptoms cut down on my flamboyance which has class to express itself in. It's kept in work where it can't threaten our framework.)]