April 13, 1981

[DELETED SESSION]

[APRIL 13, 1981 8:50 PM MONDAY]

(We haven't had a session for three weeks now. To my mind, our situation has steadily deteriorated. I think it came to a head yesterday, when I finally realized that for the last few days Jane had cut down her visits to the bathroom to just two times a day---upon arising, and before going to bed. Her reason for this, when I questioned her, was that "it hurts to move. But I'm working on it.")

(I did not understand what there was to work on about going to the john, since it was absolutely essential that one do so. I told her that as I understood such matters, her behavior could lead to uremic oisoning, or dehydration, should she compensate for "holding it" for such long periods by cutting down on her intake of liquids. I added that dehydration could be just as fatal as uremic poisoning. It was all too obvious that she had reacted to her problems about as far as she could go, at least in that direction.)

(We've had several of our famous discussions since the last session on March 25. I feel caught in contradictions---for if Jane's new feelings in her hips and legs are signs of new muscular activity, as she thinks, and as Frank Longwell agrees, that's good news; yet those same feelings, her acute and prolonged bodily discomfort, her aches and pains, have caused her to become almost totally inactive. As I wrote in question 13 some weeks ago now, she has surrendered just about all activity except that involved with getting up and lying down, eating, going to the bathroom on a very limited basis, and puttering about in her breezeway writing room for an hour or so on occasion. She's managed to get her oetry book out to Prentice, and now is not at work on any writing.

She's even let go writing up her recent dream material, some of which has been excellent, with apparent precognitive information of a positive nature.)

(She spends a good deal of her waking time on the couch watching TV, or sleeping away part of the day.)

(A remark she made yesterday probably had helped crystallize my own new determination to do something about what seemed to be a badly eroding situation: She said that Tam had recently told her that) Mass Events [was due to be published on the 13th---today---with] God of Jane [due out early in May. These two books are, I think we agree, the most recent triggers that she has responded to in a negative way, so yesterday I suddenly realized that Jane must be reacting presently to the imminent publication of those two works. It seemed obvious. I knew they were due out soon, but slipped up in my own awareness that their ublication could---would cause her additional problems; my opinion was based on her paper of last December, in which she wrote that from its very inception she had been concerned about the reception] Mass Events [would be accorded by various elements of the public.]

(I still think that paper is a very revealing one, for it contains several important clues that we should keep always in mind, but often do not. Among them is Jane's fear of the controversial nature of Seth's medical material, which led to Prentice-Hall's installation of the hated disclaimer.)

(Several times during recent weeks I've said that I wished we'd withdrawn) Mass Events [from publication, using the disclaimer controversy as a ready-made excuse. The idea being that this would hopefully free Jane from worry on that score, at least. Yet working with the pendulum in the bedroom at 12:30 AM last night, she said she still wanted the book published---and therein lay at least one source of much trouble, I thought and said.]

(The pendulum session was not a success, in my opinion. I didn't think Jane asked specific-enough questions, that she was somehow reluctant to or unable to do so---even that she appeared to be somewhat ill at ease while using it. She was upset of course, and so was I. I went to bed very unhappy with our situation---and I suppose that that feeling helped lead me to the group of statements below the next morning, and this session.)

[(Jane didn't sleep very well, so I didn't call her this morning.

Instead after breakfast I wrote down my list of points to discuss with her. I saw them as making a significant alteration---at least otentially---in our lives. But then, I thought, given our present situation our lives were going to change anyhow and perhaps drastically: her not going to the john properly wasn't a good sign.]

(Jane did get up by 10:30. and an hour later I initiated our little discussion. I read to her, and explained, each of the points on my list:)

(1. We are going to have sessions nightly, or at least several times a week, in a last-ditch effort to get to the bottom of the roblem.)

(2. She is to call Tam to verify that the two books in question are to be published as expected. Especially important here was) Mass Events [, which I regard as the main trigger of the moment.]

(3. She is to start going to the john at least four times a day.)

(4. She is to begin taking at least) [[one step] ] [a day with the help of the typing table.]

(5. The number of "crash" sessions held will depend on progress made, what help Seth can offer. I plan to try to objectively understand any beneficial effects there are. I don't think of such sessions running indefinitely---perhaps three weeks or a month at the most.)

(6. The next step will be to seek medical help---namely, going to a hospital for tests, therapy, diagnosis, medication, whatever. I plan to ask Paul O'Neill about how to get her admitted, or at least examined. Or I'll go to a hospital myself and ask to talk to someone. The idea isn't that a stay in the hospital will work a miracle cure ---though I'd be delighted if it did ---but that some help or easing of Jane's symptoms might eventually be achieved through therapy or whatever. My personal opinion at the moment is that we should have taken this step a long time ago. Interesting, to speculate about why I've concurred in Jane's dogged avoidance in seeking establishment medical help.)

(Jane didn't react as much to point 6 as I thought she might. The last time I'd suggested that she consider getting medical help had been at Christmas time, when I asked her to think it over and let me know. But I haven't heard a word on the subject from her.)

(Jane has had several vivid dreams since we held the last session; they've been of the type described in recent private sessions---combinations of nightmarish events and characters, along with flashes of insight into the causes for the symptoms, and visions of herself walking normally, etc. But she's written very little on them.

However, they've been valuable in showing that she is still contending with previously buried fears. We keep hoping these will play in important part in letting her achieve more physical release. But at the moment it seems that everything is difficult, or worse, especially so when I worry about how far she has to go simply to get her legs to straighten out at least partially. I did feel, I told her, that a time of decision was very near.)

[(Jane sat on the couch in her usual position for the session, and I sat facing her across the coffee table while using her own chair. She spoke slowly much of the time, and often while sitting stiffly upright.)

Now--- (Good evening.)

---we will begin briefly and gently.

Ruburt's feelings of physical mobility are to some extent connected with his feelings of creative mobility---that is, the connections are strong.

As far as dilemmas go, he feels one as far as Prentice is concerned, since he sees Prentice as a vehicle (underlined) that moves his work out into the public arena, and he feels that that vehicle is at best presently stalled, while no other one is in immediate ractical sight.

Both the change in Tam's position, and changes that take place in the company contributed, along with your own strong dissatisfactions with Prentice to begin with. Creatively, on that level alone, he also feels stalled, since he does not know whether or not to continue with my book, or whether or not to begin one of his own---so you have a stalled mobility, without any particular decisions being made of a clear-cut nature.

(As soon as I'd finished reading my list of points to her, this morning, Jane called Tam about the publication of) Mass Events [. He told her the book hadn't arrived in the office yet, but that he expected it to, and that he would check to see if it was on schedule. He would then send us the usual first copy.)

In that kind of period, he is more apt to be dissatisfied, brood about his physical condition, and therefore aggravate his symptoms. They are, however, the exterior picture of the inner one---to go ahead or to retreat. To go ahead in what direction? Instead the situation is a stalled one.

In the background there is of course his reaction to the two books. Some of that material I have given. (Long pause.) Some is difficult to explain clearly, because Ruburt wanted to make sure of the validity of the sessions from the start, and because of other material given in the past, he did not fully accept the sessions or his own sychic abilities as an [integral part] of his ersonality---since they appeared relatively late in life, where the poetry, for example, had always more or less been apparent.

(9:02.) He felt a strong commitment to poetry and writing. He could not early accept the idea of having a mission in life outside of the simple one to write, which always propelled him. He examined the sessions thoroughly then for years, not feeling the same kind of self-assurance as he did, you see, with his "own" writing.

His own writing underwent its own kinds of transformation, however, and indeed it began those translations years ago, even before the sessions, so that for example even the science fiction could no longer contain or camouflage the larger intuitive framework that he was developing.

(Long pause.) I have remarked before that part of the problem lies in discrepancies of growth. You spoke (today) of some artists painting formula paintings. For Ruburt to try to publish usual novels, for example, would not work: he has outgrown the formulas. At the same time, for many reasons there has been a difficulty in accepting the natural patterns of his own individualistic growth---and that is partially because there were no neat categories in which they seemed to naturally fall. So in searching out new ways, ersonally and creatively, Ruburt felt himself on insecure ground.

That insecurity has largely prevented him from fully using his own abilities on his own behalf (intently) . He is gifted recisely with the kind of abilities that can clear up all of his roblems. Fears, however, have prevented him from fully trusting---or consistently trying ---such avenues, not only fears, but the batteries of past beliefs, both on his part and yours, with their unfortunate patterns of behavior and conditioned responses. It is sometimes difficult for me to translate what I know about the situation into terms that you can accept jointly, because of the press of those beliefs and the accompanying habitual behavior and conditioning.

(9:16.) I am aware of the pressing nature of your concerns, and of the sharpness of the physical picture as you perceive it---yet I must continue (almost with a smile) to maintain the following oints: a concentration upon a problem deepens it. An overly intense search for [what is wrong] is debilitating---particularly when you end up looking for events as scapegoats rather than for the beliefs with which certain events are erceived.

Your feelings presently that Ruburt is on the brink of being bedridden are --- mainly now---the results of negative conditioning---they seem very realistic. Certainly the evidence seems (underlined) to give those feelings at least some support. They are the end result of a recent concentration upon the roblem. And in this case you both fell into their sway at the same time.

All of this involves you in the private nitty-gritty of dealing with the ways of thinking and reasoning that are so characteristic in your society and in your time. In certain areas where the contrasts in the other direction are as startling, you have largely escaped such conditioned behavior. You have escaped it because you have learned and grown easier in those directions---or you both consciously and unconsciously applied new concepts to those other areas.

("Like what areas?" I asked Seth. When he stared at me, I repeated the question rather insistently.]

(Almost with a laugh:) I was ready to tell you. Those areas include the psychic one, the creative one, the financial one, and the mental one. That is, there are areas of your lives that operate quite smoothly, yet in a fashion almost outside of your conscious direction. What I mean is that these areas bring you most fruitful rewards, so that to a degree you take them for granted, without being aware of the manipulations that occur to bring them about.

(This was one of the spots where I felt like interrupting Seth to rotest that I for one---and Jane. too, I believe---do not take such benefits for granted. I try to be grateful each day for what we have, while still being aware that the mechanisms that deliver those benefits to us may operate largely on unconscious levels.)

Your minds become accustomed to a very high quality of conceptual thought, for example. (Pause.) Money comes to you in comfortable amounts. (Long pause.) Creatively you deal with events and episodes that are by contrast with most people's lives, most remarkable. In those areas you have grown beyond the negative conditioning of the society in large measure.

Ruburt's physical situation therefore seems even more apparent in the light of such contrasts. In the area of the symptoms, comparatively speaking, you have still more or less stayed in the same framework of behavior, relatively speaking, as others of your society, at least in many respects.

Even there you have learned, of course, and Ruburt's knowledge and yours has helped you both in your health in many ways---but you have not used your abilities in that direction [in the same fashion) that you have otherwise, and in the newest attempt to help set him free (deeper) , I hope to lean you in those directions.

We will be dealing with Ruburt's beliefs, of course, with the psyche and the books, and the other furniture of the mind that seems so obvious, but I hope to teach you to transform those issues into something else. I do not want to speak of [great missions] , yet it is also true that in its fashion each creature's life is a mission, with all of its characteristics and abilities uniquely suited.

[Ruburt's abilities carry along with them all of the support, protection and strength he needs to use them freely and creatively, but he has not understood that that was so] . That sentence should be completely underlined.

(Pause at 9:41.) You are conditioned to behave in certain fashions in times of stress, so it is indeed at such periods that old beliefs often seem to emerge with fresh force. I will deal with the situations involved, but I will also try to elicit the creative use of your own psychic and mental abilities, so that they can be directed specifically toward clearing up such issues---and I am of course willing to have daily sessions at your request.

That is enough for this evening's beginner--- (May I ask a question?)

You may.

(My questions are paraphrases of the ones I actually asked Seth, since I didn't take the time to write them down because of their length during the session itself. But much of the phrasing is almost verbatim, since I made notes after the session, besides remembering them clearly.)

("Why has he responded to his feeling---how did you put it?" I asked as I rummaged through the session's earlier pages, which I'd thrown on the floor beside the chair---") [stalled ] [, by giving up his physical mobility even more so now? I'm terribly concerned about all of this. I don't understand why he can't walk inside his own house, at least, where it's safe. The whole thing has become very threatening."]

[(9:46.) The closest answer I can give you, I thought, was clear in tonight's session, but to clear it further: (Long ause.) He believed that his motion was blocked, that belief was physically expressed. It was to bring the situation out into the open, as indeed the feelings of panic also served to make him consciously aware of the difficulty---a difficulty that basically has to do with psychological motion and growth.

This subject is a part of one that I plan as an evening's discussion.

Before, the feelings of panic remained largely hidden, and he has felt to some degree stalled of course for some time, apart from the two books involved.

(Pause.) Both physical stalling of late---and the dreams and occasional feelings of panic---have been incentives of a kind to deal with the deeper beliefs. Those beliefs involve the freedom to move and grow safely and fully to one's capacities within the framework of your current society.

(Seth paused, so I asked: "But what does he think he's doing? Why carry anything to such lengths? I'm not asking for a perfect performance, and I couldn't deliver one myself, but it's extreme behavior on his part when he can't walk across the goddam room---")

Each personality is in a state of his own growth and development, and you cannot impose any standard demands upon such a process, however tempting it is to do so.

("But I don't think asking him to be able to walk is a standard demand," I said. "What good does his giving up his physical mobility do?

There must be many other ways of calling attention to any problems than doing that."]

(Seth replied patiently:) I am giving you the best information that I can, and it would be better if you read the session thoroughly and understood it before forming new questions.

(All right, but nothing I've said here is new. I've had these questions for years.)

(I am aware of that) --- (Okay.)

--- [and I bid you a fond good evening] .

(Good night.)

Have Ruburt make one simple request, and no other, before sleep: that he receive therapeutic healing experiences at all levels of his existence as he sleeps, beginning this evening. End of session.

("Okay. Thank you.")

(9:58 PM. Jane had done well. She was very quiet when she came out of trance. I felt that some sort of start had been made when I asked my questions and spoke my mind at the end of the session. As noted earlier, I'd wanted to interrupt a number of times while Seth was speaking.)

(Jane remembered my talking to Seth---the longest exchange I'd had with him for years. She explained that in trance she was aware of my questions "in the back of her mind," and of Seth answering them, and that in a way the questions would get in the way of what Seth was trying to say; they could interrupt too deeply; I'd known this from a few infrequent, much earlier, experiences in the sessions, and had often thought that if too persistent the questions could bring her out of trance. But now I felt that we had to do something drastic to make a start, and that we had achieved something.)

("We've got to get the information," I told Jane, and found myself repeating a lot of what I'd said to Seth; I felt the emotional charges behind the questions once again. Jane was very glum. "But I'm running into trouble coping with this thing," I told her, "and I need your help.

I have to get it, too---otherwise there are going to be drastic changes in our lives.")

("And what gets me in all of this," I said, "is that if I didn't raise hell about it nothing would be done. Do you agree with that?")

("I don't know." Jane said quietly, even glumly.)

("Well, I know I'm right." I said. "I've seen the same situation come up many times in the past, and let it go, but we can't do that now...."

And I didn't even get to mention the doctor-hospital option to Seth. I did tell Jane I understood what Frank Longwell was doing, and appreciated his efforts to help, so generously given. But I added that FL could massage her legs "till doomsday," and it would do little good until we came to terms with the basic causes behind the symptoms.]

(Small wonder, I thought, that my stomach, back, and a tooth had bothered me all day.)

(See the attached dreams of Jane, for April 4, 6, and 12. The latter has a distinct bearing on the events of tomorrow morning, Tuesday the 14th.)

(JANE'S DREAM)

[APRIL 4, 1981]

[Saturday PM. Healing dream. Long, involved though I missed lots. I was dancing with middle-aged man who had]

[some ] [limp or such. To a native rhythm. Anyhow, in a short matter of time I'm completely healed. Walking normally, delighted, telling R.]

Also [very ] [vaguely recalled. Friday, Saturday, Sunday] [nights ] [. Various confusing dreams.]

[JANE'S DREAM]

[APRIL 6, 1981 MONDAY PM]

[A good part of night or so it seems. Body very sore. Then my hip area turns into a hotel or old castle---like they show in horror movies. The soreness turns into the rocky walls that heave. The whole thing is] [feeling ] [. Can't describe it---"Bad." A voice says, "May your womb shrivel and die!" A terrible thing to say, I think---separate enough to understand and comment. I realize these are feelings from childhood. Church---at a very creative level---or the feeling, use the creative ability to bring about unishment, illness or whatever. And that's how say "black" magic works.

(Also I'd lately seen a show on Jack the Ripper and I think the women were so convinced of their "evil" ways at those levels that they broadcast their need for punishment.) Finally awaken---sleep off and on but sore. And as I waken, very sore, feelings of panic (or nearly). In ast I wouldn't have granted those feelings that expression---]

[JANE'S NOTES]

[APRIL 6, 1981 MONDAY]

[Tam calls! He got poetry book okay and will read it at once! Really leases me. Out Spring 1982.]

[JANE'S NOTES]

[APRIL 7, 1981 TUESDAY]

[Off and on been doing Stonehenge poem---type up 6 new pages of it today.... Frank L. comes noon.]

[JANE'S DREAM/NOTES]

[APRIL 12, 1981 SUNDAY]

[April 12 have a "dream" that a man is talking to me about]

Mass Events [primarily, saying that he's seen a copy and there is nothing about the disclaimer to anger me, that it's ok, and then mentioning] God of Jane [. There was stuff I've also forgotten though that made me waken at once, furious; some connection between the two books, also whole bunches of feelings rise to my mind about the disclaimer being like a sign or statement that I'm a liar or that my work isn't truthful or like, hell, the letter A for adulteress they used to pin on wicked women....]

[JANE'S NOTES]

[APRIL 14, 1981 TUESDAY]

[April 14 Rob decides we really have to do something to tackle my difficulties which have been more than considerable lately, he suggests I call Tam to see when] Events [is out; or if it is, since April 13 is date of arrival. Oh, wait; it was that same day, the 13th that I called. Tam said he'd call back; no books had come yet but should, as far as he knew. Then on April 14 Ethel Waters calls from Production at Tam's insistence saying that after] Events [was delayed till May 14 because of the disclaimer problems; so it would come out the same month as] God of Jane [.... but that there were 10,000 back orders for] Events [, so I'd say that my dream robably gave me that indication, that something was held up.]