Session 367

(SESSION 367 (DELETED)]

[OCTOBER 1, 1967 9:15 PM SUNDAY]

(July 14, 1971: When sessions resume, check with Seth about what Jane might have blocked in this session---as well as what she revealed. My art, principally--- see pendulum of this date. This session appears to be basic, but perhaps parts pertaining to me were blocked, to spare my feelings?)

(This session is not included in the records since it deals with ersonal material. I asked for it this evening because Jane was not feeling well, and indeed had seemed to decline since the New York tri in August.)

(This afternoon while painting the thought came to me that Jane's trouble was that she was avoiding success; and success was looming ever closer with the advertising campaign planned for her ESP book, the near-completion of the dream book, etc. In the 350th Session for July 6, 1967, is a sentence which has stayed with me--- when Seth said: "Ruburt has an unfortunate sense of unworthiness, without which the situation (Jane's symptoms) could not have developed." I wondered if the unworthy feeling and the fact of success could be linked through the symptoms.]

(Jane did not volunteer this session; I had to ask for it. She has never volunteered a session re her symptoms. She began to speak rapidly, in a somewhat odd-sounding, almost muffled voice, and with her eyes closed.)

[(See the deleted session for November 26, 1972, in Volume 2 of these ersonal sessions)

Now, good evening.

(Good evening, Seth.)

What we have here is a deep struggle between various needs, a struggle between various portions of the personality, each with their own demands and interpretations of reality.

If the possibility of success had never emerged the problem would never have emerged. It was unfortunately a cue point, and itself the time bomb of which Ruburt spoke. (Before the session tonight.)

There is one part of the self, confident, assured of its abilities, and somewhat demanding, rather powerful. It has to this point driven the ersonality onward despite all obstacles. It never admitted the ossibility of failure, but only worked toward success.

Now, to the other portion of the personality however, success was failure. This part of the personality remained relatively quiet until the other portion began to achieve its ends. This portion considered itself not only unworthy but evil. It (The "sinful self" May 10, 1982) is basically an overgrown and almost cancerous super-conscience that applied brakes in the past to some extent, and now has largely taken over.

It believes it works for the good. It mistrusts all spontaneity. It believes the personality must be toned down, held in bonds, slowed down, or else the wrath of God will descend upon it. It is not rational.

The physical not-being-able-to-run, the slowing of motions, are all hysical manifestations. This is the Irish grandmother, the mother, and the neighborhood shouting: Jane, do not run. Though consciously disobeying as a child, the suggestions took deep root. Spontaneity was evil.

The spontaneous ran out of control. This has something to do with the mother's talking to the child about the father. He was uncontrolled--- uncontrollable, lax, slow, and yet evil. The father had money and was evil. The poor were virtuous and on the side of God. The rich would never attain heaven. This is Ruburt's penance, you see, put upon him by this other part of his personality. If he succeeds he must pay, for if he does not pay, if he does not willingly submit to his own punishment, then there is eternal damnation.

There must be self-sacrifice, to some degree self-mutilation. And even hence you see the loss of weight. The dark side of the mystic, I am afraid.

For every act he considers uncharitable or sarcastic he must pay. The Harriet poem: for that you see he believes he must pay. The irony of course is carefully chosen--- that he choose those symptoms that reminds him of his mother. For she flaunted the neighborhood and the Irish background physically in her youth, and paid, and Ruburt fought it intellectually, and feels he must pay.

The whole psychic framework is against the Catholic training. This also has something to do with this.

The Crowders representing money, you see, appall him. He expects the wrath of God to fall upon them at any time. He hates them because he considers them evil because they are wealthy. The old car (our Ford) is a badge of virtue to Ruburt since it is old and decrepit. It is a sign of safety.

(Yesterday, Saturday, September 30, Jane and I visited my parents and the Crowders, up from Norfolk, Virginia. Since the old Ford---1955---was in the garage with gas tank trouble over the weekend, we were given a ride to Sayre and back from Elmira by the Crowders in their Cadillac.

Vivian, Mrs. Crowder, is my mother's niece.)

Ruburt's student Venice must have her weight, or she fears destruction.

Ruburt must have his failure, and relative poverty, or he fears destruction.

If this were the whole personality this would be no problem. He would avoid success like a plague. He would have been successful long before this. However the other portion of the personality is spontaneous, highly gifted, creative, intuitive, and loves luxury. This last being deeply hidden from the conscious personality.

Scrounging about, taking secondhand items, allows him to accumulate some extras with impunity, because they are not new. He is deeply afraid of finishing his book for fear it will sell. He sends out messages pressing for the success of his original book, and sends out equally strong ones urging that it not be accepted, that it is not a huge success. This is the original book. (The ESP book.)

He fears destruction in the terms of being a complete cripple. To avoid this he adopts the symptoms, hoping to cheat his idea of the gods, or fate. To have the disease, or punishment, and still not have it, to satisfy both demands.

The New York trip (in August) , his response to it, was largely responsible for the setback. He believes also that he must therefore accept any disability and discomfort because it is just unishment. The other portion rises up in arms and forces him to demand success.

When you did not expect success, really, then you did not threaten him.

Now you expect success, and he feels even beforehand an added threat.

Then he will have to suffer for you both, he feels.

Running is symbolic. He could run, his mother could not. She was evil.

But if he is successful, then he believes he will be successful when he does not deserve it. Therefore evil also, and so he shall not run; running being symbolic of spontaneity. If he gives himself emotional and sychic freedom, then to compensate he will deny himself physical freedom. I have been a safeguard, for I was between him and complete spontaneity, you see.

I was enough like his Father Traynor to be safe, and without me his sychic abilities would not have matured at all. I will not be dispensed with. He cannot afford it. Also I am legitimate enough and independent enough in my own right.

He has no use for women, and women are not supposed to succeed. I am legitimate. His needs and personality were the reason, however, that he could communicate with me. He would never have communicated with, say, any female counterpart of me. I have literally held his personality together for some time, in relative balance. He has never been mentally unbalanced, and he has avoided this and any deep emotional difficulty.

The physical illness, however, has taken their place. All in all, a much safer arrangement.

The difficulties began with the selling of the first paperback and were accentuated later. The development of abilities and the ESP book represented an effort by the spontaneous self to express itself, for this other portion of the personality was ready then to take over, and it then retaliated with the beginning of symptoms.

When this portion is operating he does not dare enjoy the pleasures of love. [No one in his neighborhood did, you see.]

(Pause.) He denies himself then out of fear. When he succeeds he punishes himself. When he fails the other, spontaneous, self rises u in arms. The two warring factions have been beating him apart.

(How come this material is allowed to come through now?)

Wait. The overly conscientious self however is also the teacher, and in the classes the two elements do to some extent combine with some overall benefit. The overconscientious self expounds, you see. These two warring elements are deeply bound up in psychic work because they were deeply bound up early in religious and mystic connotations in Catholic upbringing.

Now. Ruburt's early mystic life was also bound up with priests who were males, with whom one could not have any sexual relationship. He is now bound up with you in these endeavors. While he is so confused, then sexual relationship with you also becomes evil. He also felt compelled to follow the advice of the priests whether or not he agreed with it.

This led to his passivity as far as you were concerned. If you were jealous of his success, he should not have it, and it must be plucked out.

The New York trip frightened him by its success. He felt he needed the unishment of the program (Alan Burke, TV) , and you helped him avoid it. One remark or circumstance will be a cue to one or the other portions of the personality, which will then take over. He will be free or constrained, you see, until the next trigger oint is given.

His mother's letter (received last week, and containing an old picture of her) , followed by the weekend visit (with the Crowders and my parents) , was the trigger point this time. He is still at the point where he must be saint or devil. He has had difficulties on Fridays because he eats meat on Fridays, and difficulties Sunday because he does not go to church.

You had better take a break. (9:55.)

He is afraid of the bed and the bedroom. (Pause.) He fears he will die in his sleep and face eternal damnation. There are no windows to escape through, he feels, no available roof. (Pause.) He feels freer under all circumstances in this room (the living room) because he could run out onto the roof.

The physical symptoms therefore frighten him severely in that he does not run. He thinks you do not want him to talk about his past because you are ashamed of it. Take your break. (9:58.)

The material is coming through simply because he is desperate.

Both portions of the personality are frightened. One ortion fears success is coming regardless of all its attempts to hold it back. The other fears that it is being restrained despite all efforts to escape. The body is the warring point, and it is itself now fatigued.

(10:00. Jane's pace had remained quite fast. Her eyes had begun to open occasionally. Resume at 10:05.)

Now. At times the personality has reconciled these elements and served to express them both. The [High-Low] book of poetry as contrasted to perhaps the idiot poems will explain what I mean.

It is a great help then for Ruburt to write his poetry. This session will in itself be of benefit, for it is the first clear sign you have had of the true situation. Ruburt asked me for help today, and this is my answer and my help.

(I did not know this, in suggesting we have a session tonight. Jane asked Seth for help this afternoon before taking a nap.)

When the overconscientious portion is made to understand that the spontaneous self is good, then the problem will cease.

The psychic classes have been of help for this reason. The overconscientious portion always trusted the spontaneous self as far as oetry was concerned, but distrusted spontaneity otherwise.

Success, tied in with psychic work, can represent his main hope, and erhaps the one main door through which the whole personality can emerge united and intact.

The preaching element was always strong. The poetry went against the church, but here the overconscientious self was able to realize the church's limitations and went along.

Success as a poet would present no difficulties. The overconscientious self was not about to permit the spontaneous self this new freedom, however. The early philosophical poetry represented a philosophy of essimism. Stripped to its core, it was the good-or-suffer-damnation world.

The later poetry represented joy and the psychic work spontaneity. Yet a reconciliation is possible. The overconscientious self must be shown that the spontaneous self is the God self. If this is done it will add its strength to the purposes of the spontaneous self.

Otherwise it will fight the spontaneous self, even to the death. It disapproves of anything it does not consider godly.

There is no reason why it will not listen, however, and gladly. Because of its very nature it wants to attach itself to, and work for, what it considers the good. It has been held within severe limitations and working under a false premise. It is trying to restrain Ruburt from doing that which is wrong. As it realizes through re-education that the spontaneous self is good, the sense of unworthiness will vanish.

(Pause.)

It has believed from the beginning that spontaneity was sinful. This was the misinterpretation given in early training.

It then set itself up against the spontaneous self, and determined to keep it within bounds. Success is taboo for the unworthy only, you see.

When the overconscientious self learns that the spontaneous self is not unworthy, then success is permissible.

If success allows for the furthering of ideas which are good, then success will become a need for the overconscientious self also, and a further reconciliation will take place. Do you see the steps here then that can be taken?

(Yes. Can we have a break?)

You may.

(10:21. Jane's pace had again been fast, and my writing hand felt the effort. She resumed at 10:24.)

We will shortly end.

You are extremely important in all of this, and you can do much to make Ruburt understand. (Jane paused. She shifted her position her eyes closed. Eventually she ended up lying on her back full length on the couch, where she had been sitting throughout the session. She continued to speak with her eyes closed. Her pace was slower. As far as I could recall, this was the first time she had permitted herself to lie flat during a session while in trance.) Because of the early training, you have somewhat assumed a position like those of the riests, and your word becomes extremely important, and almost like a law. Hence his passivity in many instances, and his avoidance of sex.

You can use this to advantage however, as you explain the situation to him, for your words have almost magical import at this time.

(Pause.)

Now that we have reached the true difficulty beneath all else, there should be a good improvement. Steady application will be needed however, and your part as educator is highly important. Do you have questions?

(Can he work along and finish the Dream book?)

With an understanding of this material, yes. And poetry should also be written. I believe the session itself should bring him some considerable relief, but it will not last unless the points given are hammered in.

(Should we keep coming back to this plan in sessions?)

You should. The overconscientious self you see has not trusted me, nor the sessions, and hampered help I could give. It realizes it is in jeopardy however, and the classes have served to open a wedge of understanding.

(The overconscientious self should be able to see the benefits of the sessions and the classes, shouldn't it?)

It has largely in the past refused to do so.

(Question this when sessions resume---July 1971.)

(It is more willing to see now?)

It is now to some extent. (Pause.) It gave some consent to me in the beginning, but would go no further.

(I think this is the first time I've seen Jane lay down during a session.)

He is exhausted, and in a deeper trance than usual.

(Well, I can think of more questions later.)

We will then close our session. The very fact that it has been held represents a turning point for the better, you see.

(Can the overconscientious self literally block material of this kind?)

It has. When it realizes that the spontaneous self is a god-self, then it will actively help Ruburt.

(Suppose the overconscientious self blocks this kind of material next session. Is this likely to happen?)

It may according to circumstances, but it will not always.

(Then we can keep trying for it.)

That was my meaning. It should be less inclined to do so as a result of this material.

(If in a session---)

It is a relatively new idea to the overconscientious self, that the spontaneous self is good and a part of the god self. When this is completely seen there will be an integration of personality that will result in powerful work, and a definite unchallenged success.

("I was going to say that if I] ask [for this type of material during a session, it's likely to come through at least to some extent, isn't it?"]

(Pause.) It should come through more clearly now.

(Okay.)

If you have no more questions we will end the session.

("No more. Good night, Seth." 10:39.)

The overconscientious self has blocked many of Ruburt's impressions in the past.

(In sessions or on his own?)

Both. Particularly on his own. The Father Ryan influence---and he also had back trouble. Father Doren was seen as a spontaneous but evil man.

Father Ryan was seen as rigid and uncompromising, but good. Father Ryan gave Ruburt his first typewriter, and desk, and bed. Now do you see those connections?

(Yes.)

The priests visited on Sunday afternoon. (Pause.) The main visits were held in the mother's bedroom.

If you have any questions, now is a good time to ask them. Or we will end.

(Then say a few words about my bent penis.)

This is connected with Ruburt, of course, and you feel your purpose is bent from its main direction, in that you are not painting full time.

(How about the hand tremor?)

Your paintings also represent sons to you. Hence their effect appears in the penis, you see. The tremor, a reflection of what you feel to be a shaky situation.

(We can go into this later.)

We will end. Give Ruburt a sip of wine.

(Yes. Can you give him some beneficial suggestions tonight?)

I will indeed.

(Have his dreams contained any clues to this material tonight?)

He has blocked many of them. Clues were there.

("Okay. Good night, Seth.")

(10:47. Jane still lay flat out, her eyes closed. She came out of trance slowly.)