February 24, 1972

[DELETED SESSION]

[FEBRUARY 24, 1972 THURSDAY 8:50 PM]

(Deleted. February 24, 1972, Marathon, Florida. 8:50 PM Thursday.)

(This afternoon I wrote Jane a three-page statement. It was based on the three previous sessions held here, and my thoughts growing out of them. I included a few lines of Sumari at the end of it; Jane hasn't translated these yet.)

(At 8:45 PM I used the pendulum to clear up an ache in a tooth. I learned the trouble was based on my fear that Jane wouldn't accept, or believe in, the statement. My action led Jane to tell me about her teeth and sinus bothering her before and during our trip down here, for about three weeks. I told her I was floored to learn that she'd let something like that go for so long before trying to learn anything about it's causes, etc. This of course was a tie-in with the repressions on her art that I'd written about in the statement today.)

(This evening we sat waiting for a session, or whatever else might develop. Jane heard her mother's deprecating, scathing voice, quoted it to me, and said she felt quite uneasy. She felt as though "different arts of me are casting about for the best way to give the material tonight---Seth, or some other part of me, whatever we decided. I even got the idea: Now here we have the body 'kind of thing,'" she said.)

[(My face began to feel better, although I still had an occasional twinge. I thought this not surprising under the circumstance. At 8:45 Jane said she felt herself dissociating. She said we could have a regular session probably, but she waited to see what the best way to roceed would be. Then she began to speak at 8:50, in a very quiet voice. Eyes open often, etc.)

The other night you were talking to a portion of the personality who called itself the creator. It was actually a composite of the creative self and the conscientious self.

I am the creative self. You see me in the poetry, the psychic developments, and Sumari, but I have been forced to follow certain lines, as you suspected, despite my nature. Far more than Ruburt suspects from the beginning, his natural creative drives were also used to their ends, both religious, social, and as a way of gaining approval.

He always needed approval, desperately. I was often forced to structure my work along lines that would bring approval. (Pause.) He feared the psychic developments, though they were one of my most creative endeavors, because he was afraid they would bring scorn instead.

Sometimes his intellect has worked with me, sometimes not. I am far more resilient, pliable, flexible and daring then other elements of his ersonality, which are fear-ridden. Some of his attitudes have to do with his parents, in that he fears he could become like his father---undisciplined and slack , loose and amoral.

His mother's scorn told him this was a part of a bad blood heritage, an inevitable part of his condition. Ruburt felt that his mother only liked him because of his writing. In the early novels his repressed feelings could be expressed. They were creative, but also safety valves. I made art out of them.

I need freedom and agility of thought, where he tends to repress me unless I conform to definite ideas of good and wrong. I found the conscientious self then an uneasy partner, and a growing hindrance.

The repression in one way I used in the novels, but when the habit becomes too ingrained I find it difficult to retain, to transform into art. Some of my material comes from Ruburt's repressions, but when the habit allows for too strong a charge, constantly rebuilt, this is a hindrance.

I often help, and have, by recharging him, as I did in all the creative developments to date. But then he must think "Is this good or is this bad? Am I being too free?" I can handle the early repressions. The habit of repression dropped its hold to a great degree when he met you. The situation of your illness brought it back, and from there it gained hold again.

You know that panic is behind such repression, and a misguided idea of self protection. Inhibiting thoughts inevitably inhibit body motion. For his own benefit and mine, two or three times a week he should sit down and write out his feelings, as he began to do last summer. All kinds of repressions will come to the surface.

You must understand that for nearly 20 years he lived in an environment in which expression of dissent brought instant retaliation of the most frightening kind. Outright punishment---hair-pulling or cursing. Verbal humiliation was easiest to bear, but his mother would immediately show all kinds of extremely serious symptoms, for which Ruburt would be adamantly blamed.

His mother would pretend suicide just to punish him. He felt therefore that he caused your illness, that in a way you were punishing him for the frivolousness that made him suggest you leave a conventional background and your parents, and go with his father in Florida.

(And of course, this makes me think that our staying her at the Overseas Motel, in Marathon, is probably the poorest choice we---I---could have made. Our cottage here is within a hundred yards of the spot where we camped with Jane's father in the late 1950's. I would say now, without checking with Seth, that any thought of nostalgia we might have derived from returning here would have been better ignored.

We will not come here again. Our stay hasn't been too pleasant for a variety of reasons, including noisy neighbors, etc. We made one half-hearted attempt to get out a week ago, on our trip to Key West.)

When you became sick he thought "Aha, mother was right, I do destroy everyone I touch, and now I have made my husband sick." There is a great division of energy, as there is in all creators, but in his case between the need for spontaneity and discipline, safety and freedom, and these are clearly seen in the body's condition right now.

(Additional thought re the notes just above: I suppose that if we enjoyed clear channels of communication between all parts of ourselves, we wouldn't have returned to this spot---or if we had, no charges would be involved. I pulled in here after we had passed it; it was at the end of a day of driving, I was tired, and thought of the place. We hadn't decided to come here while in Elmira, or on the way down. And if Jane had been aware of any negative influences here, if they exist, she would have prohibited our returning.... Perhaps our stay here did lead to this very important series of sessions, though; we are learning much from them.)

Quite unwittingly because of your own nature, you tilted the balance for a while. He picked up your ideas of discipline in the beginning, then latched upon them in his own way. He felt you did not trust his judgment, remembering what he thought of as key points in your life, when his judgment seemed wrong or when it was criticized.

These seemingly small episodes were nevertheless important. Because in the beginning you emphasized discipline, he felt you did not think him capable of exerting it on his own; that while you were attracted to his spontaneity you feared it and his energy. He felt that you believed that, given a free hand, his habits would be too exuberant. He would have, or would keep, odd hours, no schedule, be messy.

(9:15.) He felt for some time that you were intrigued by the spontaneous parts of his personality, as long as they could be controlled, kept proper and in their place. This had to do with the love-making also. He tried then, because of his loyalty to you, to temper the percentages ---to be more one way than the other. You had this effect because he did idealize you to such a degree.

It was not a fault of yours.

When you became ill then the repressive state reasserted itself. You follow me there: because of the mother situation it was not safe to speak of illness at all. He could not bear to be responsible for your condition.

After that he feared deeply that all adverse comment of his, or negative remarks, would make you worse. Your illness frightened him more than anything else since his life with his mother, because he could not allow you of all people to be ill because of him, as explained.

From that point on he kept any negative thoughts or criticisms to himself, and during that time he feared that you almost disliked him completely. The habits of repression took great root. Rather than hurt you he would put himself into harness. Once begun , these feelings attracted to them others from the past, so that [I] was appalled and finally had great difficulty.

He felt his success put you in a poor light in your mother's eyes, and the eyes of society. An impoverished artist as a husband he could take with great pride. Once the part-time job continued and kept continuing however, once you had a job steadily, then he felt that others compared you, not with other artists but with other ordinary men who had jobs.

And there, under those conditions, you made poor showing.

He felt these feelings extremely disloyal. He felt your mother was silently accusing him of putting you in a poor light whenever he succeeded. He wanted you to state your position, and say "I am an artist" to her and to the world, but he deeply feared that you considered that attitude irresponsible, frivolous, not practical; and worse, that you felt it negated the sacrifice you made by keeping the job for so long. (Not so, etc.)

For all of these reasons the habits of repression continued, for any critical comment could bring up the whole barrage. The slightest remark that you made that he did not agree with was the symbol for these inner deeper feelings. He dared not criticize you for anything, or even disagree in normal conversation, the charge was so great.

You did not communicate yourself too well. Because of his abilities he icked up your feelings all too clearly, but because of his fears he picked up your negative feelings. He was afraid you were not an artist after all. He knew you were not a Sunday painter, but he felt you were greatly repressed in your work, and that any breakthrough could only come when you focused upon it, your work, regardless of other consequences.

He interpreted what you said at times to mean "You are ungrateful for my sacrifice," but he did not think the sacrifice in those terms was necessary after the first years, and that such sacrifice could destroy your ability, your fine purpose.

He therefore did not discuss any issues with you concerning his own discouragements or fears as they happened. He felt guilty enough because you were working. He did not want to lay extra burdens on you, but he came to resent everything that was provided by a job.

Though you have left the job, the habit of repression is still strong. I know this is a burden on you, but it is important that both of you understand the repression. In some ways he has made poor judgments---for example in dealing with editors. Part of this was caused by this need for approval.

He also interpreted your comments however as indications that, left alone, he would not behave with competence, that he was not able to cope, that he would not be able to learn through experience how to deal with editors, for example.

For many years, at least seven, he has been deeply concerned about your work, a repressive element in it, and the psychic freedom he felt you needed to release it. Because of the age difference he became very worried. Your best energies were going into your work, he felt, at the job, not into painting, and the very focus divided you. He felt it disloyal to recognize the repressive element in your work, and tried to retend he did not see it.

(Jane and I are going to discuss this element in my work. I'm curious to know what she knows about it. I need all the help I can get, etc.)

[(9:37.) One of the best influences on him are the few pages in a book by a psychologist about the creative personality. He knows what they are. (The Essence Of Being, by Abraham Maslow.)

They release him to a strong degree, but in the past there has been a bearing down afterward, a renewal of repressions, if he became frightened if the spontaneity has worked.

With your help he can avoid the second reaction. You know what I mean.

("Yes, but I'll have to know when it's happening." Meaning that Jane will have to tell me.)

The passages allow him to give me freedom, and also release the physical mechanism to some notable degree. If he does not repress any fears following the release, then improvements will continue. He did not realize this, so the information above will be of great help.

I am an ally because I can help express those repressions. I have the energy to do it creatively if I am not hampered. Read this together with the other statement. You are on the right track. Once repression is really faced as a problem it can be overcome, because all portions of Ruburt's personality now realize the danger involved, and know that the attern must be broken.

There may well be emotional charges expressed. Do not be afraid of them.

They will clear the air.

(9:45. Jane slowly began to come out of it. Her eyes were heavy, closing often. Her pace had usually been fast, and she had taken now breaks. "I feel real funny," she said at last. "Intellectually part of me is appalled but I feel triumphant also because I've got a clear channel up through here---"she indicated her stomach, chest and throat---"and got the material out. But I really feel strange. Part of me feels like getting sick and the other part like laying down."]

(Jane got two more bits as we talked: The creative self had to disentangle itself from the conscientious self to get this material out; and she had ambiguous feelings about her books because she felt they put me in a poor light. Then the creative self returned at 9:50:)

Part of that was because Ruburt was sensitive to your own negative feelings or fears, and picked these up. Basically he trusted both you and your work, as I have. The physical condition was also meant as a signal, saying "Look what is happening." The body trying to speak out, where he would not.

It served that purpose, and as mentioned elsewhere it served as a symbolic statement as he put himself behind you. You used to say in a critical manner that he would not wait for you to open doors, and run ahead of you on the street. He took this to be a statement that he was running ahead of you, and to slow up.

The very fact that all of this now comes into the open is most advantageous; though it has been mentioned before, the peculiar [tie-ups) have not been described this well or this adequately. Please read this carefully. You need not fear that you must watch every word, and so forth, as long as communication both ways is maintained. Your own habit of repression in the past helped reinforce Ruburt's, so greater communication helps you both.

Nothing you can say, vocally, can be as severe as Ruburt sometimes imagines your reaction to him, so do not feel that you must remain silent on any issues. That only compounds the issue.

(10:03. Jane was out quicker this time, etc.)

(While I was typing up this material on February 25, Jane got the translation of the Sumari I wrote her at the end of the statement of February 24. Both the statement & the translation, which I think is excellent, are included with this session.)

(I would suppose the statement played a part in bringing this session about, since it posed questions dealt with in the session. I think though that this part of Jane's personality would have spoken also, since the conscientious self had its say on February 17. Now that the conscientious and creative selves have spoken, probably Seth will speak next.)

(Jane's suggestion that she can consciously know whatever she needs to know is a good one. She has been using it before sleep for two nights.

Last night after the suggestion, she received a good insight, and was able to examine it instead of repressing it. And again this morning.)

(Now for my statement, Sumari, etc. :)

(February 24, 1972. Thoughts---after the 3 sessions here in Marathon, of February 16, 19, and 21, it finally dawns on me---I finally put the material in the sessions together---and realize that a more basic quality behind Jane's symptoms is repression. The task then is to learn what causes this. A good question would be: "What am I so afraid of?"

This is much simplified, of course.)

(This morning Jane got quite angry at her conscientious and creative self. After the revealing session of February 19, she expects more dramatic improvements. This morning she found herself rebelling against what she considered to be the conscientious self's domineering tactics---work before anything else---etc.)

(I got the insight at noon that the conscientious self, or "it", was so tyrannical because it is being constantly fed charged material, fears, that are steadily repressed. These come from her childhood, her religious upbringing, her own strong moralistic and literal nature, plus robably reincarnational data about which we know very little. Plus overidealizations about me and my work, etc.)

(The tyranny results from "it" not being allowed to express itself in usual ways, I thought. Jane is perfectly able to work a daily quota of time without overseeing, just like anybody else, and to do all the other normal things people do, like take vacations, etc. If all parts of her being are allowed expression, I said, there would be no extreme reactions, as in the symptoms. Therefore we must learn what is being held back, what is seemingly so terrifying, that it dare not be faced.)

(A small incident to illustrate: Yesterday morning at 8 AM, the tenant in the efficiency next door played the radio very loud outside our window for over an hour. We both were mad, and felt like yelling, etc.

Later that morning I asked the man and his wife to not do that. They agreed. (This morning we slept undisturbed.) But when I came inside after speaking to them, Jane said, "I wouldn't dare do that." At the same time she was smiling, and very pleased that I'd spoken up. [I had decided to speak up regardless of the consequences, though.]]

(I took her reaction to speak of her faith in my leadership in this instance. In other instances, I told her this noon, I believe she lost faith in my leadership, as detailed so well in the three sessions held here. This would arouse all kinds of panic feelings, since she wouldn't dare speak out---and so she, and "it", would feel that she had to furnish strong guidelines for her own protection---keep her writing rather than take jobs, etc. The symptoms resulted. All of this, until just recently, on unconscious levels.)

(Last night we went for a walk: Jane said she was disappointed in my reaction to her ability to walk a little better, and so was worse when she went to bed. I replied that I would rather she wouldn't tie up her state of physical being with my reaction.)

(The two instances cited here actually represent good improvements on Jane's part, in that she allowed me to learn what was involved. I think the continual repressions over the years have let the conscientious self grow out of proportion. I think also that the conscientious-self or "it"

made a creative advance on February 19 when it stated its tactics were bringing about the very thing it did not want---Jane's inability to work in freedom. My thought at the moment is that more expression on Jane's art will free the conscientious-self to perform its own balanced role, and to actually retreat in doing so.)

(I told Jane I think that if it is not fed a steady diet of repressed material---which it may not even want---the conscientious or creative self is perfectly capable of doing its job without excesses. There will be no fears of unrestrained sexuality, or not working creatively, of overidealization of me, or my work, etc. All of these ideas, I feel, evidently grow out of repressed, unexpressed fears that have built u over the years, and have been taken over, or dumped upon, the conscientious and/or creative self.)

(I told Jane today that when a fear is expressed, it takes its natural lace in the scheme of things and no longer grows unseen. Jane at first said during our talk that she must hate many things---but it seems that hate would only be a mask for fear--- hence the suggestion that instead of asking herself what she hates, a more basic question is "What do I fear?")

(Jane today revived what is evidently an excellent suggestion---to the effect that "Whatever I need to know will rise to my consciousness." She used this suggestion as she lay down for a nap. She is sleeping as I write these notes at 2:20 PM.)

(This morning when she expressed resentment at her conscientious or creative self, Jane said it took her a long time to get mad---several days in this case---after the session of February 19, when the creative self spoke. This delayed reaction may be, partly, her very cautious way of allowing an adverse reaction to surface, and it may also simply reflect her nature.)

(My thinking at this time is that when we allow ourselves expression freely---painful as it may be at times---and live in ways that are in keeping with our natures and abilities, we will achieve that necessary and vital balance that automatically results in creative work, health, whatever material success we require, etc.)

[\ \ \ \ \*]

(To me, Jane's creative ability to translate my Sumari into English, as she did on Friday morning, February 25, 1972, was magical indeed.)

[I epa togen re peta upialingor]

[qua so ne togenir raw personigenter]

[so ne a peco geni literop]

[to be so qer nat rupor portille]

[per zuggerli graw upi shaperto]

[- Rob]

[We are two swallows]

[Above the land masses]

[Yet the earth and the water]

[Propel our wings.]

[Our thoughts and our feeling]

[Flow through and fill us.]

[We ride them]

[Sustained by their thrust.]

[Who doubts this power]

[Doubts wings, land and water]

[And cannot fly or rest.]

[- Jane]

(Then she wrote: Feeling I've been so afraid of my personal thoughts and feelings---thought they were so bad that I don't know myself. Invite self now to be aware of them---all of them normally, be astonished at their power, beauty and variety. They aren't all negative. And even those have a power that is good when released. Can be a new kind of creative joy---a discovery that will really release me creatively, sychologically and physically. Been afraid to know myself; distrusted so never allowed self to see how good I am.)