February 26, 1972

[DELETED SESSION]

[FEBRUARY 26, 1972 SATURDAY 9:59 PM]

(Deleted. February 26, 1972, Marathon, Florida. 9:59 PM Saturday.)

[(We were due to leave here tomorrow morning; we were all packed, etc.

Our landlord, Rich Elgersma, visited us this evening and told Jane and me about a trailer and lot that he could have acquired not long ago for \$1300.00. The news made us regretful in some way; it seemed to suggest answers to some of our own problems re living costs, locations, etc.

Both of us liked it here. The weather has been very charming indeed.]

(Today in our talks Jane and I said a lot of things about our goals, urposes, distractions. Jane talked to several people here today who reminded her that there was always a need to be filled regardless of location, about such things as reincarnation, dreams, etc; this also made us feel that we could work out here, in living arrangements and income, as well as anywhere else. In addition, my pendulum told me today that my hand symptoms stemmed from my fear of failure as a fine artist---nothing else.)

[(Jane suggested this session abruptly, after 9:40 or so; I thought it would deal with what we had talked about today.)

Now: give us a moment, and again let me begin in my own way.

Unconsciously you feel that because you are the oldest son you should be the money-maker, in your mother's eyes; but she never considered ainting as such as financially rewarding. You still do not want to hurt her feelings. You are still trying to be yourself and the self you think she wants you to be, as far as you are able. Certain concessions for example you would never make, but you are still unconsciously bothered here, whether you know it or not.

Some of your own energy has been held back then from your work for that reason. You often tie yourself in knots, considering alternatives, none of which are ever taken. Hence a continuing sense of upset results. This is also the result of so double-checking impulses that few of them are followed through. As a result no clear-cut decisions are made, and the feeling of being off balance ensues.

When this continues you project negatively on all alternatives so that change always seems disruptive and negative. The ossibilities of its creativity are often forgotten. You have both done well communicating your feelings lately. Ruburt's idea of actively searching out his usually repressed feelings is excellent.

He also often voices some of your own fears. Together this helps both of you. These feelings may be charged because they have been so repressed.

He is learning, just lately now, how to release them, and the body is beginning to let go. But do not let these repressed feelings blind you to the beneficial qualities of your situation right now, or its creative possibilities.

You both do have an inclination to overstate your problems, and concentrate on them in an effort to solve them, and as you know that is not the answer. Ruburt should write in a personal diary if he prefers, but write his feelings several times a week. A half-hour at a time is fine, plus the effort to express any normally negative feelings at once.

Releasing the habit of repression will itself allow the body to relax, and be released. A moment-to-moment check on his condition is not necessary.

Now, because it seemed to you for so long that you could not move freely in your own life, that you did not paint full time, you got in the habit of automatically viewing all change as negative. You could not do it anyway. To realize its possibilities therefore would have been a torment. So recognize that element and its reasons now.

The effort made in any creative change would be nothing compared to the constant feeling of unease that could result simply from a fear of change. In a fear of change there is only tumult, and no peace. As you know, it does no good to worry about the time you may sometimes feel was "wasted" (in quotes) in the past. Great damage can result however by rojecting such feelings of time waste into the future.

Do not compare your joint position with anyone. It is unique. Because it is, the possibilities are endless. If you magnify your limitations you create your own prisons. If you enjoy those freedoms that are yours now, you automatically increase them. You are in a clear position at this moment. You cannot expect a blissful time innocent of problems. That is not the nature of life or of existence.

Your set of problems are of the most creative kind. They are problems from which great potentials can emerge. Your full energy for work and your creative drive is released, and will be, as you creatively use and understand your problems, but not concentrate upon them, not let them close your eyes to the joys and freedoms that you have. [You get what you concentrate upon. There is no other main rule.]

You have a relationship not only unique, the two of you, but one that also serves as a springboard for creativity. You have talents and abilities that carry with them satisfactions that you both often blithely take for granted. They are so a part of your existence that often you are not even aware of them, yet their absence would show you the relative darkness in which the majority of people live.

You are not financially in any desperate need. By many standards even Ruburt's health would be considered excellent. A concentration upon the healthy parts of his body will help increase his health. That is the oint I am trying to make here. Be thankful for what you do have, and it will be increased.

Releasing the repressed feelings will also clear the way for freer expression of joy and exuberance, so while repressed feelings are being freed, do not forget to concentrate upon the positive aspects also. You do both, when you are together---often now, but not always---still concentrate upon Ruburt's symptoms, so that they seem to block out all else. When either of you forget yourselves in work, conversation, other eople, then the symptoms automatically decrease to some considerable degree. Now take your break.

(10:31---10:40.)

Now. Several portions of the personality have already helped in the release of repressed feelings; the conscientious self particularly, which was the greatest repressor. In any cases of great repressive nature, one part of the personality may act alone in the beginning but later it must get the cooperation of other portions.

(This was a question we had discussed at break.)

Any release therefore involves all of these cooperating parts. They follow the leader, so to speak, each part repressing various areas. In what has happened in the last few days, the conscientious self gave its consent to the release of various groups of thought and feeling it reviously kept hidden.

Other portions followed, beginning to release those feelings generally under their sway. The sexual implications last evening, generally under several various areas of personality, could not have come into consciousness, for example, without the consent of the conscientious self, which says often "No work, no sex." And often says "No sex anyway.

It must go into 'good' creative work."

On your return I expect you to concentrate your energies in both of your works, then in maintaining communication. Now the sexual area can serve as a great aid, and will be quite illuminating. Ruburt's ambiguous feelings and the various stages of repression are clearly seen there.

There are points where he wants to cry, and if he lets himself feel these stages you will be able to recognize them and go beyond them. They are symbols of course for release of various kinds, and the blockages or oints of conflict will clearly show.

Motion will be cleared through. The combination of emotional and hysical release will be invaluable. Symbolically it also represents of course your relationship. Motor responses can be cleared in that fashion. Inhibiting points, again, under such conditions, will be easily recognized. Any emotion at that point should be released. It will clear the motor capacity at that level.

Emphasis should not be on performance but on expression, and Ruburt articularly encouraged to express all feelings, no matter how ambiguous. There are natural results, activations of hormones, quite necessary, that are released at such times that greatly benefit the system. The ambiguous feelings must be expressed. The drive, when it shows itself as last evening, is often irritating because the muscles and nerves connected have been so held back, instead of a clear flow of sexual energy then.

Ruburt experienced a jerky irritation of muscles and a jangling of nerves. The repressed nature however came through, which is a definite advance. The sexual area is charged for him for those reasons. Here most of all he is afraid of letting go, and yet the pressure of course builds.

At one time when communication was poor, he tried to use your moments of tenderness as opportunities to tell you his worries. It seemed to him then (underlined) the only time. This turned you off romantically. The less open communication you had, the more he seized that opportunity to speak.

With all of his repressions, love-making became the most loaded time, for in a moment of weakness he feared he might spill out his feelings about your job and all the other material that has come to light.

Now you can take a break, end the session, or continue at our next one.

(We'll take the break and let him decide.")

(11:00. Jane remembered some of the data, and knew it was charged---she could feel it. Both of us were getting tired so we ended the session.)