April 16, 1979

[DELETED SESSION]

[APRIL 16, 1979 9:51 PM MONDAY]

(I'm making an extra carbon of the session for my own records.)

(Here's a copy of the paper I wrote on April 15, following the material Seth gave for me in the deleted portion of the session, the 847th, for April 9:)

[("We didn't get the tax forms from Jack Joyce until Saturday, April 14.

This means we can't pay them until Monday, the 16th, the day after Easter.]

("My side bothers me considerably as I write this, at 8:30 PM. Yet I went for a walk after supper. I'm distinctly uneasy. After napping Thursday afternoon the 12th) I fell into a deep depression, not speaking to anyone any more than necessary. This obviously involved Jane more than anyone else. My physical hassles have waxed and waned---I'm hoping that paying the taxes tomorrow helps. [They amount to much less than I'd figured on, incidentally---including estimated payments for 1979 ---so one would expect me to respond to] [ that ] [---but I haven't yet.]

("The pendulum insists there's nothing wrong physically in the side-groin area, but I'm beginning to wonder. Pendulum tells me the side bothers because I'm not working on) Mass Reality [, which will get us money, whereas] Through My Eyes [is a less-certain roject, would take longer, and the time I spend on it is time lost on] Mass Reality [. In other words, I'm very concerned about my financial contribution, and paying all those taxes exacerbates it all.]

("The pendulum says I don't think I'll get money for) Through My Eyes [, that it's a waste of time, that I don't want to work on it. I do want to work on] Mass Reality, [so as soon as I finish my filing for] Through My Eyes, [I'll start in on] Mass Reality.

("The pendulum says my side started to bother me after I estimated \$70,000 income for tax purposes for 1979, without seeing how Jane and I have any chance yet to bring in that much this year.")

(I should note here that last Friday evening we were visited by the Gallaghers and Sue Watkins. As the evening progressed we became involved in some pretty heated and involved discussions about Three Mile Island, man's greed for money, his basic good intent, and related issues. Bill and Sue especially got going pretty good, and Peggy said she didn't like that. I think I made some good points; even Bill said he probably exaggerated man's greed, yet he wasn't about to change his views. Sue was upset. Jane was too, yet tried to take it all in. I probably spoke more frankly than I had in the past, yet was oddly unbothered by it all.)

(I do wish I had on record some of my remarks, since in them I clarified some of my own ideas about man's behavior versus his basic good intent.)

(Then while doing the dishes before this evening's session, Jane said she "got" that Friday night was the "playout" of my dreams involving Bill Gallagher and Sue, which had taken place separately. The playout wasn't literal, Jane said, "So I don't think most people would have made the connections. But I picked up that Seth would go into those dreams tonight, and I asked that he give the best information that he could.")

(I'd temporarily forgotten the dreams about Bill and Sue, although I have them selected for inclusion in) Through My Eyes [; they're on file in that notebook. The one with Bill took place on March 29, 1979. Sue on March 31, 1979. This was a period in which I had a series of potent dreams that Jane has done a lot of work interpreting [including my famous dog dream of March 31, 1979], and which could easily make up several chapters in a book on the subject, if we had the time to produce it. These dreams have been operating as a series, as Jane has pointed out, which increases the value of a person's dreams in unexpected ways. I think some original ideas are embodied here. Jane has interpreted the Bill and Sue dreams, and Seth has commented on them also. See the 845th session. All of Seth's dream material has been excellent, by the way.]

(Now here's a copy of the paper I wrote tonight at 8:30 PM on 4/l6/79:)]

("After supper tonight I told Jane that I felt as though I was "near a breaking point," that I might have to seek medical help. For what I wasn't sure---a hernia, something wrong in my side, stomach, or what.

She was upset. We'd slept this afternoon from 2:30 until 6. I'd hoped I would feel better with the rest, which I seemed to crave, but it hadn't helped. Nor had paying the taxes this morning, although it could take the body a while to respond to any change in status or thinking, and I'd seen this happen before.)

("The trouble appears to be in the lower left groin or side, with ramifications at times in the left testicle. I don't think the latter is the primary cause, though, even with the enlarged veins I've had there for many years. Today, my stomach began bothering; I've taken baking soda three times, and that seemed to help, if temporarily, each time.

Walking also helps.)

("Tonight the pendulum says just what it did yesterday---that I feel oorly because I estimated a high income when we don't have it in sight; that I think I should be working on) Mass Reality [instead of] Through My Eyes [because the former will bring in sure money; that I think I don't contribute enough financially; that I feel lousy because I want something definite to work on ---that at this time I'm not contributing enough. The pendulum also says I think I deserve the symptoms for the above reasons.]

("The pendulum also says I think my body is capable of healing itself, wants to heal itself, and that) [ [I] ]

[want it to heal itself.] [ [It also says I do not think it's safe to get well] ] [. I don't feel bad because of Jane's symptoms, although I'm very concerned about them daily.]

("The pendulum repeated my insight of a couple of days ago---one that may be very important: that all of my upsets over the years, the stomach, the side, the groin, the shoulder---the whole bunch---stem from my consistent feeling that I'm a failure in life, that I don't contribute enough, that I don't help Jane enough, that I haven't really made it as an artist) [ or ] [as a writer.]

("The pendulum also says I) [ can ]

[make it as an artist] [ and ] [writer, and that I'm too hard on myself. I've begun reading Seth's New Year's resolutions again, and these have helped."]

(I read my paper quoted just above to Jane as we sat for the session. I asked that Seth comment, but also said I didn't want him devoting the whole session to my challenges, since I know Jane wants book material also.)

Good evening.

(Good evening, Seth.)

Now: let us return to your dream series. You know the one I am referring to.

Now: let us see how recent events reflect the dream, and how they appeared in the dream in symbolic form. The physical events I refer to are the encounters with the Gallaghers and Sue Watkins Friday evening---the discussion of philosophy, the sense of conflict and mixed emotions.

In the dream (of March 29) Bill Gallagher offers to take you out to dinner, and you say you have good food at home. Here the word "food" refers to nourishment. He offers the nourishment of the world---but the world as he perceives it, and instead you prefer your rivate nourishment. Bill Gallagher sees a dog-eat-dog world, and, as mentioned earlier, animals have an entirely different meaning to Bill.

The evening found you in a clash of ideas, as Bill painted the world through the most pessimistic of eyes. He saw man's greed for money everywhere predominate. The rest of you to varying extents objected, because he portrayed so clearly the darkest of your own fears and imaginings in exaggerated fashion.

[To some extent] (underlined) now, his beliefs stand for a certain conventionalized view of the world. [To some extent]

(underlined) those views, colored by a different era, were those of your own father, concerning at least the world of commerce, business, and so forth. You all felt that those dire events of the cultural and social world were somehow transposed over the natural one.

(The phone began to ring at 10:00, much to my surprise. In trance, Jane stared at me. "Forget it," I told Seth.)

Now: Bill Gallagher, with his beliefs about that world, in his mind joined it. He felt that he betrayed himself, that he performed acts that he should not perform in order to fit into its context, and he felt that he must do so in order to survive.

You were astonished when Ruburt told you how much money the Gallaghers were making, for if Bill sold his soul, few it seems could have sold it for less. Bill, however, concentrated upon life's regrettable elements, upon the impediments, the dishonesties and so forth, until it seemed that even if he followed the world's way he could not succeed. His idea of manliness was such that he insisted upon a conventional job, clear-cut.

(As Jane spoke in trance, Mitzi jumped up into her lap. The phone had stopped ringing some time ago. As of this writing, the next evening, we still don't know who tried to call. Mitzi is our beloved cat.)

As the evening progressed Sue Watkins became more and more upset, as Bill pointed out the toll that society demanded, the impossible stakes and the penalties that must be paid. Bill feels that his business roductive life is coming to an end, when he will retire. He spoke of the values that existed when he was young in the world, that now are gone. With all of that as background, then look back to the time clock you found, hidden in your dream in a closet.

It refers not only to the matters that I have mentioned in past sessions, but also to your ideas of age, and those are also connected to your ideas of manliness, for you want to be a provider.

(10:07.) Now: the route you chose was far different than your friend's. You did not choose a job as a life endeavor, where money would be clearly paid for acts specifically assigned, nor did you choose a route for which there was any conventional role for you to follow.

When you pursue new avenues, there are no such easy ways to assess success or failure (intently) . Thinking in terms of the conventional world, however, you feel sometimes at a loss, for you want to say, ["What am I?"] in those terms (underlined)---an artist, or a writer, or a combination of the two? Ruburt wonders, what is he---a writer, a psychic, a combination of the two? The books bear his name, so you feel that they are primarily his, and yet all of those feelings ignore completely the larger realities of your lives and of your work.

If you were just a writer or just an artist, or if Ruburt were just a writer or just a psychic, then neither of you would be involved in this endeavor, which is even in your terms, of such a creative nature that it defies definitions. [It does not rest in either of you alone] , but rises from joint psychological structures (intently) that you have formed together, each using what characteristics you could---psychological structures that you then can use to gain a viewpoint upon reality that is so unique.

Next to that kind of achievement, conventional ideas of success or failure are literally ludicrous in basic terms, though I understand the hold that cultural beliefs can still have upon you.

Those doubts, however, of course mitigate strongly against your feelings of self-approval, and undermine your natural stamina and courage. Ruburt was bothered by the same feelings in reverse in the past, but he has learned to understand quite clearly that our work is a threefold venture. It would not exist in its present form---and its present form is its best form---were it not for your own participation. In a fashion you are merging arts together, and laying the groundwork for new kinds of art that presently do not exist.

You succeed sometimes in spite of yourselves, for it does not escape the Gallaghers of course that you are very well off financially [as the very result of the very unconventionality] of mind that it seems you sometimes find at least [a bit] regrettable.

The ideas of age bring this kind of thing into focus. They make Bill Gallagher for example more bitter about his life, for he feels cheated of the rewards when he followed the system. Conventional ideas of age, however, can limit your own ideas of your own creativity. You start thinking "How much time is available?" when the very creative thoughts themselves make more time available.

Take a brief break.

(10:23. We talked about the dream involved with tonight's session material. I wondered if it was legitimate to say that the group of dreams was a precognitive insight into the one event---the Friday night gathering. Jane thought so. If true, it would be an original insight, I said. Not that the dreams presaged Friday night's event] [ [per se] ] [, but] [ [pointed toward some sort of event like it taking place] ] [. I told Jane that I didn't remember reading any ideas like this anywhere.]

(Resume at 10:32.)

Now: beside other reasons, the taxes serve as a focal point, because you feel you must pay tribute to the world that is described by Bill Gallagher--- [and in that world] you feel you have no specific (underlined) conventional role, as earlier mentioned.

Ruburt used to feel embarrassed because he made more money in those terms than you, and certainly this played some role initially in the symptoms. (Does it still?) You could not have a job, obviously. You had to take care of him, and it seemed you both saved face; but almost all of your problems come from the unthinking acceptance of conventional ideas that have been allowed to hold sway.

The discomfort in the testicle reflects the problem you feel with the masculine role. But the typical masculine role in your country, you must understand, is certainly not primarily that of an artist. If the male has natural abilities that happen to fall among those largely accepted by society, then there is little problem--- [in that regard]

at least---but if his natural abilities lie in other directions, then difficulties can arise.

You did what you wanted to do, in line with your own natural inclinations, and only when you judge your circumstances against convention's surface beliefs do you lack your own approval. You cannot rate the subjective growth of a personality, lines of comprehension, or the value of ideas given to the world. You are a success in lines that can be felt by the world but not measured. The books are more effective than any letter to a congressman, and you put the substance of your life into your notes.

(Seth's reference to a letter to a congressman came about, I think, because during our conversation on Friday night Bill Gallagher said that no one present had done anything to protest the conditions in our world that we didn't like---forgetting, of course, that the books themselves are full of protests, and of suggestions for the better. But Bill doesn't read the books, and to that extent lives in a world closed off from such ideas.)

Now give us a moment.

Ruburt's experiences (of April 12; see the end of the session) were excellent, and did affect you beneficially at other levels, by releasing comprehensions that will appear in your time.

The experiences also kept him from becoming too embroiled in your mood at the time, and by giving him an experience of your own joint greater subjective reality. The reincarnation dream (see the end of the session) , however, had to do with Nebene, who resented any tribute paid to Rome, and was enraged by the crooked practices of all the tax collectors. He did not ascribe to Rome's religion, or really agree with its government, and he felt that taxes simply represented money given to rogues and thieves to enrich the pockets of the wealthy.

He himself believed in austerity.

Ruburt thinks of taxes as money paid to society for leaving him alone.

He pays his dues, so to speak. The dream did involve Saturday's visit with the tax accountant (Jack Joyce) , which in a way was a re-creation of the dream. Ruburt knew a few moments before the man's visit that the taxes would be less than you supposed. He had been worried they might be more , and that you might become more upset.

(10:47.) The tax man is a well-meaning individual, far from a rogue, with his own problems, and in the dream this information is realized by you, and hence picked up by Nebene. Joyce, by his very characteristics, in his way stood for the confused but well-meaning-enough society. Ruburt felt he had paid his dues, hysically speaking, and was done with that.

His body is definitely improving, but you must both examine your beliefs again about the conventional matters I have spoken about this evening, for they affect your behavior. You need to free yourselves in your work, allow for regular hours, but as I have often told you, arrange for changes of your own choosing---ordered change is excellent. You lack the give-and-take with others that jobs provide. You need solitude. Yet you must also provide for changes within that routine, for those changes give you a different view of your own subjective reality. And they can often help you solve problems, simply because old associations are broken up.

You usually do not follow through on such suggestions. Do you have questions?

(No, I think this is enough for one night. It's very good. Thank you.)

Then I wish you a fond good evening.

("Thank you, Seth.")

(10:49 PM. Now here are the "three exercises or experiments Jane tried in an effort to help me when I was in such a despondent mood last Thursday, April 12. She said later that when I evidently didn't get anything out of them consciously, that this made her question the value of similar things she tries to do for others.)

(1. "Exercise: to send energy to Rob. Mentally see him in his studio, at drawing table. Imagine and visualize the energy all around the corner of the house and sky, rushing toward him; then am surprised when mentally the top of his head comes neatly off, like a lid from a jar. I see hands, mine I think, reaching in, straightening things out as you'd untangle a telephone cord). This upset me some. I was leery as if I didn't know if I could harm him, rummaging around in there like that; then realized that these images represented tangles of thought that were being smoothed out. A few minutes later Rob is in the living room and I think he was watering the plants really. I thought he was in his studio and that's where I saw all this. [About 9:30 AM.]]

(2. "2:20 PM. Imagine Rob in writing room, soft, warm yellow light shines on him from Framework two, and though I didn't specify, the light lingers particularly on his shoulder. Then I see him quite clearly in miniature, jumping and rolling high in the air, throwing his arms out....)

(3. "8:30 PM....Decide to.... do another exercise with Rob. Instantly I see him seated in writing room and behind him stands a transparent whitish woman's image, my astral self. From behind Rob, standing, she lightly soothes his forehead, then quickly is in his lap, facing him, sort of melting in with him; then they express their love.... or the actions express it....together in a fashion I can't describe of both of their astral forms entwined, fly off into space. They separate, doing ballets in the sky come together again; very free.")

(Here is Jane's account of the dream of April 13, Friday, mentioned by Seth on page 97 of the session. Note that she had it the day before the tax man, Jack Joyce, visited us, and the day after she'd tried her three experiments for me:)

("Before nap I asked for help from spontaneous self, and when I awakened I did feel better. Awoke several times during hour nap, realizing I felt rather good. Toward the end of my nap: I presume, a dream.... I was having a Seth session, seated at my place at living room table. Rob possibly could have been sitting in my desk chair. Anyhow, he was facing me. He started to yell, throw up his arms, and he was remembering some reincarnational material that was unpleasant. Possibly Seth had just given it to him. I came out of trance though, telling Rob everything was okay to remember, let it out, and let go. Another figure sat nearby, taking notes, and I think this was Rob too; this figure was more distant and said nothing....very clear.")

("Rob has no memory of this or of Thursday exercises either. Did they affect him in any way?")

(At dinner, vague thoughts that Nebene hated taxes of any kind, with the chicanery involved.)