The Personal Sessions, Book 5
April 18, 1979
The 'Two Men' Dynamic: Philosophical Self vs. Male Breadwinner Self; Money/Taxes; Commercial Art for Money
April 18, 1979
[DELETED SESSION]
[APRIL 18, 1979 9:42 PM WEDNESDAY]
(Once again, as I had before the deleted session for Monday the 16th, I told Jane that I was close to a "breaking point." My side had bothered me all day today in the same old fashion. Although I'd felt slightly better yesterday I'd been taking baking soda often for my stomach for several days, and it seemed now that the feeling of pressure, or gas, erhaps, was getting the best of me. I took soda before lying down with Jane this afternoon. I woke up half an hour later so uncomfortable that I had to get up.)
(The pendulum gave me the same reasons for my overall malaise, as well as agreeing with the fresh insights noted below. First, though, the endulum said the soda did generate gas. It also insisted I didn't have a hernia or an ulcer, etc., although I told Jane that depending on what Seth said tonight I may seek medical help tomorrow. At the same time I swore off baking soda, which is an old habit with me, in favor of Maalox, which I found in the cupboard. The Maalox helped, and I ate a little supper.)
(I'm naturally worried that I've created a physical condition, and so is Jane. She began some writing about me today, stressing my characteristics as I confront the world with a distance between the two. Her material is excellent; she said she doesn't know where it comes from, or exactly what state she's in when doing it. It's far from finished, but she finally let me see what she had after supper. She doesn't know whether she can "calm down enough to do more on the piece or not," although I'm sure she will. She also mentioned trying hypnosis with me, since I'm a good subject. I'd quite forgotten that art. At this stage I'm willing to try it. At this stage I'd try)
(Last night while we made love I broke down and cried for my worry over Jane.)
(This afternoon Larry Dowler of the Yale Archives called to postpone his scheduled visit of Thursday afternoon to next Sunday. I hope to feel better by then. Now here are the insights I picked up starting at 11:20 this morning, as I went about daily business:)
(1. My side/groin area bothers because I'm afraid it'll cost money to get sick. I equate money for medical expenses with money for taxes.)
(2. Again, I don't think it safe to get well. I think if I get well I won't buckle down to work on) Mass Reality.
(3. My side hurts because I'm afraid Volume 2 of ") Unknown"
Reality [won't be appreciated.]
(My side hurts because I'm afraid all of Jane's work won't be---and isn't---appreciated.) Through My Eyes [isn't involved---my rojected biography.] (In the deleted session for April 16, 1979 Seth remarked that Jane "used to feel embarrassed because he made more money in those terms than you, and certainly this played some role initially in the symptoms." I asked that Seth comment as to whether any such mechanisms might still operate with Jane.) (Jane read these notes over as we sat for the session at 9:35. I explained that I hated to "put her on the spot" by asking if I had an ulcer, or a hernia, say, or gas or whatever. I realized my doing so frightened her. At the same time, I said, I was curious as to whether I did have an ulcer, for instance---that if so, I could see that I'd created that situation in order to contend with certain challenges.) Now--- (Good evening, Seth.) ---good evening. Pretend that you have two men. One cares little for the opinions of the world. He wants to spend his days in contemplation. He wants the freedom necessary to ask whatever philosophical questions come into his mind. Basically, he cares not a jot for time as it is generally understood. He does not care for position or power. He only asks to be left alone in his contemplations, and to express these in whatever manner suits his nature. Actually, he is [free of sex roles)
Now we have another man, who is also contemplative and determined---but this man is pursued by time. He must show that he produces so much work in a given number of hours, so that others will know that he is diligent and filled with the good male attributes of a provider. He is very concerned about the opinions of others, and he wants to see the effect of his work upon the establishments of the world. He wants to know where he stands, and he wants to fit a neat category, so that he can say to the world: "If you are a shoemaker, I am something as definite; or if you are a professor, I am a writer or an artist, or a ---?" He wants his contemplation to pay off, and he is very anxious about where his money goes.
These two men are one, of course. They represent your own opposing beliefs and feelings. At one time or another you do not agree, or approve, of either set, and so you are always berating yourself about being different than you are.
The greater portion of your nature belongs to the first man, and the second set of characteristics has been overlaid, so that there is a rub between the two systems of belief and feeling.
(Pause.) The two of you, having no children, cannot count upon children to fulfill your dreams, as many do, or to accomplish what you do not accomplish, as many do. Your "work" is in a way like your marriage: it must satisfy an almost infinite number of requirements and demands (with humor) . It must give you a sense of belonging, accomplishment, emotional support, at times exhilaration, be intellectually and emotionally satisfying, give you financial success, and some power in the world.
That "work," however, is in your case the natural gift of the first man described---and he, it seems, must work under the demands of the second man, taking all of his ideas of time, sexual roles, and social demands into consideration. You are not nearly as free of those as you might suppose---and I have mentioned that before.
Moving to this house, (any house), brought those hidden demands into some prominence, and then the second man's idea of a householder were further laid upon our first man's shoulders. There is nothing wrong, certainly, and much pleasure, in taking care of your establishment---but not because you must prove something to yourself or to others.
With your projects of the past finished, the "man who needed a job" had no job. It was as if he were laid off, and immediately had to find a new job. That man approves of creative projects [only when he thinks of them as jobs] , when they become acceptable as legitimate male pursuits. Commercial art is beautiful there, for at one time it allowed you to [paint because]
(underlined) you were immediately repaid, and that made art legitimate. (With some ironic humor:) I am laying it on here. And forgive a bit of gentle---gentle---sarcasm, but to your puritan American soul, art for its own sake, or contemplation, still somehow goes against the grain.
Your basic personality, the first man is immensely pleased simply that the money comes. He is pleased with the time that has been gained, with the abilities that he has used and developed, and filled with a natural creative zest. You have not completely approved of him, however. The taxes bothered you more this time because they fell just after your rojects were finished. You have a nervous stomach---and (heartily) [I] would have one too if I were forever taking sides against myself, and not approving whatever side I happen to be on at any given time.
(10:06.) You fall into the habit of accepting the disapproval as fact, instead of realizing that it represents a feeling you have at any given time that may or may not be justified. You can kick a dog, and if you disapprove of your act that is a justified disapproval of an act (intently) . You are having your physical problems because you are trying to leap over these limitations---that is, your body is saying "Stop taking sides with yourself, or rather against yourself."
Your spontaneity is more than able to bridge such gaps, but often you will disapprove of it, if its suggestions go counter to negative ones concerning time that you have already given yourself.
(Pause.) Your worth is in what you are .
Anyone's worth is in their own essence. That which you are will naturally produce acts or works of whatever kind. Your television news rogram (on ABC) is now producing a series about your nuclear ower, and that of Russia. As in all such happenings, the worst robability is considered imaginatively, and steps taken in the physical world---using much energy and inventiveness---steps that are supposed to revent this worst probability from occurring. Frightened people do not make wise decisions. In fact, they often take actions that inadvertently bring about the feared results, whatever the circumstances in the given case.
Often, however, in their private worlds people have their own versions of the feared probabilities, which they [then run through]
the screens of their minds for good measure, so that they can take steps to avoid whatever catastrophe or near-catastrophe is involved.
In your own way you often do the same thing. Sometimes your body bothers you, and it is saying "You worry too much. You need to relax, so that I can relax." Instead, you then promptly worry about your body, concentrate upon its malfunctions, focus upon its problems. It is the overall approach to daily life that is important. The rules, again, appear too simple: refuse to worry. Trust that you know your next rojects. Allow them to happen, and forget all projected limited suppositions, such as "I will never have the time to do this or that,"
for those limitations do not exist in fact. [In fact] , eriod.
The projects that you are meant to do can be done in your lifetime. The ones that are not done are not done for a reason, because [they do not fit in] with your nature, or because they can be handled in a different way, or whatever, but you must trust that the spontaneous self understands the overall shape of your life, and its creative contexts and contents.
End of lecture (with a smile.)
(Okay. Thank you.)
I will hold another lecture whenever you want.
(I didn't want Seth to leave before I asked this question: "Do you want to say something about your remark that Jane's early symptoms were at least partly connected with her embarrassment at making more money than I did?")
You must understand, as certainly you do, the focus of your lives. Even before the psychic venture began, it was always your individual and joint work: in the beginning writing and painting.
You were both unconventional. On the exterior you broke conventions, but you were still tainted by conventional ideas. Even without the psychic endeavor, you both would have been bothered if, say, Ruburt succeeded as a writer of his own books, with no help from you of any kind, unless you succeeded as an artist. It was quite well known by both of you, however, that you disliked the marketplace.
That dislike, as much as anything, made you unwilling to do what is required to be a selling artist. You felt differently about commercial work. You have always had the sex roles to contend with in society to some degree. All of this did help contribute to Ruburt's symptoms, articularly in the beginning. He was afraid you would be jealous, that others would say he dominated you, and to some extent both of you felt the symptoms helped you save face in society.
(10:29.) The symptoms also served later to provide you both with a sense of separation from the world, a reason for not doing what you thought you should do in conventional terms: go out and spread the word, become television people, or lead groups, or give seminars---all things that largely went against the private portions of your nature, though otherwise you were both equipped to do so.
You would be very wise [to see the people you see]
(underlined), because you want to see them when you do, while never using Ruburt's condition [as an excuse] for not doing what you do not want to do anyhow, or for not seeing people you do not want to see anyhow (intently.) (Long pause.) You are, because you have chosen it, initiating a new way of life. You have made it work in many important fashions, and if you could stop [disapproving of yourselves)
Now I bid you a fond good evening, with one footnote.
I have given, I would say, five or six sessions at a minimum on the importance of touch or lovemaking, its importance as natural expression, as a creative act---and this apart from its physical benefits, release of tensions, and spiritual enrichment.
A fond good evening.
("Thank you. Seth. Good night.")
(10:40 PM. "That was good," I said to Jane at once. "I feel better already."] ("Thank God," Jane said. "I'm better at it now---remember how touchy I used to be? I'd feel my trance come right up to the surface whenever we got into anything personal. But I had no idea of what he was going to talk about. I'll have another session for you tomorrow if you want to." I said we'd see; that this one was excellent, a great help.)
[JANE'S NOTES]
(Attached to the deleted session for April 24, 1979.)
(Last night April 23, Monday, Rob suddenly got super-relaxed and really floppy before our scheduled Seth session. In the meantime though as I went into the john, I started to pick up some of the things Seth was going to discuss, and after Rob began his odd relaxation, I got more. As best as I could I told Rob what I was getting. We decided not to have the session---I don't think Rob could have taken notes anyhow; besides I wanted him to take advantage of what was happening.) (This is more or less what I was getting, and told Rob, though I've robably forgotten some things. That Rob was having a "body vacation" or that his body was taking a vacation, a rest; and that the contrast between his floppy state and his usual one would let him know how tight he'd been.... Something about us not taking vacations....and even not wanting to rest between mental creative projects; that Rob had his stomach troubles when he needed a rest....a vacation of some sort could have prevented that....but since we prefer to do things differently, we should frequently arrange changes in our lives....that we control....changes in the house, routine, hours....or even a week off to do the house or yard or whatever.... The mind wears the body out sometimes....and then the body sends signals of distress....) (We should consider such changes as a part of our working life, to rovide refreshment; otherwise we just stew because we're not "creative or working" or whatever....even furniture rearranging or changing whole rooms to different functions can be considered a vacation of a sort, and while I've always felt guilty at involving Rob in changing furniture---but do, anyhow. Seth said this was good sense and impulse on my part....) (The idea being since we refuse to take vacations like other people really before I was physically bothered) we have to have our own equivalent which can be any of the above mentioned at different times. I think there was quite a bit more that I've forgotten.)